Mama Dirty Dances, Kids Enter Therapy

ImageLast weekend was my kids’ high school Homecoming – my freshman daughter’s first. 

As she does every year, the principal sent out the “no grinding” email to parents, encouraging us to discourage our hormone-raging teens from doing the dirty dancing deed. For those of you who don’t have teenagers, grinding is apparently the dance style of choice for today’s teens and consists of simulating sex while trying to avoid being “flashlighted” by a chaperone. 

I’m a child of the 80’s. Even when we slow danced – which was always, ALWAYS, to Freebird – we weren’t body to body. Nope, the girl had her hands around the guy’s neck, his around her waist, and we stood apart (leaving enough room for the holy ghost between us…as my friend’s dad would say) and rocked back and forth and in a circle like we were wind up wooden soldiers on the verge of tipping over.

Being parents of teenagers, my husband and I take our role very seriously. We know and understand that it is our responsibility to embarrass our kids whenever possible. So we seized the sex-dance moment, right there in our kitchen.

Me to the kids: “So, I got the ‘no-grinding’ email from school today.”

Kids: no comment…just blank stares

My husband: “Grinding? What’s grinding? Like your teeth? Why would you grind your teeth at a dance?”

Kids: no comment…eye roll…audible sigh

Me: “No – grinding is how they dance now. It looks like they’re simulating…”

My son (a junior): “STOP! We don’t grind mom…ok? Just stop!”

Husband: “Well how do you dance then? Like this?”

We tuned into the 80s channel on the satellite radio. My husband got up and did the “white man” dance which involves only body parts from the waist up to “Billie Jean.”

Me: “Or how about this?”

I launch into “the shopping car”, “the sprinkler”, and “the Maniac” move from Flashdance.

Then, we tried our version of grinding. Facing each other (which I guess, right off the bat is wrong) I looked like I was trying to free a massive wedgie without my hands and my husband looked like he was a having a seizure or trying out an invisible hula hoop.

It was a magical, reminiscent moment (minus shoulder pads, parachute pants and leg warmers)…until he threw his back out and I strained my neck. 

It’s all fun and games til someone ends up bed with a heating pad.




“Butt-Chugging”, “Vodka Tampons” and “Eyeballing”…Do You Know What Your Teen is Doing????

Vodka…it’s not just for drinking anymore.

Who dreams up this stuff anyway? Teens…that’s who.

I have three of my own, one of which is heading off to college in the fall. I’m no shrinking violet but the stories out there about the lengths teens are going to for a quick and easy “buzz” are disturbing (not to mention VERY DANGEROUS!)

Why can’t they just drink underage normally like we did? One beer (by mouth) at a time???

Apparently, gone are the days of teens fearing “beer breath” and hours hugging the “porcelain God”. By “consuming” alcohol rectally, it bypasses the stomach and the acid in the stomach and is absorbed directly into the bloodstream, and viola…faster buzz, no alcohol breath for parents to smell, and no risk of barfing.

Nope…the quickest way to the good old fashioned buzz is through the asshole…and eyeball…or the asshole and eyeball simultaneously if you’re feeling particularly adventurous.

Just be sure to bring some Vaseline (and make sure you effectively “wiped”)…


Hhhmmm…is this the reason for the rising popularity in ass-bleaching? Because everyone at parties nowadays will see your pooper?

It’s the same “beer bong” as the “old days” – a funnel attached to tubing – only instead of inserting the tube into your mouth, the tube is inserted into the rectum.

Hhhmmm…I wonder if “Frank the Tank” will do a Butt Bong in an “Old School” sequel??

Vodka Tampons

Check your manhood at the door fellas.

Apparently, a tampon can absorb approximately the equivalent of a shot of vodka (unless of course, you are using the super-absorbency version, in which case, you’ll be doing three shots).

How exactly they shove a fully-absorbed tampon up their butt is beyond me…

Vodka Eyeballing


This method is particularly convenient in that the “consumer” won’t be able to see the rest of the group laughing at what a dumbass he/she is.




Gummy Bear “Shots”



Sure he looks innocent…but after swimming in a pool of vodka, this little bear packs a potent punch.