When “Show and Tell” Goes Horribly Wrong

So, I’m doing an article for the newspaper on an intermediate student winning a contest through Verizon Wireless. Her big prize? She gets to bring Cincinnati Bengal A.J.Green to school with her for the ultimate “Show and Tell!”

Pretty cool…huh?

So that got me thinking (being an elementary education major myself)…what embarrassing, crazy, will the make the parents want to change their names and move to an obscure town in the bowels of the Ozarks, stuff have kids brought in for “Show and Tell.” Here are some of the funniest ones (posted from real teachers!)…(Names have been excluded or changed to protect the identity of anyone involved!!)

  • Suzy brought in her mom’s personal “massager” and demonstrated on my back…to bad it was her mom’s VIBRATOR!
  • One time a student brought in a bed bug!
  • I had a kindergarten student bring his 3 year old brother to school; he wanted to show his brother the classroom; needless to say we had to call mom and wake her from sleeping!
  • I’ve heard of a student bringing grandma (in an urn)!
  • I had a Kindergarten student bring in Dad’s bong for show and tell…oops!
  • A little boy brought in a Franklin the turtle doll and then lifted his shirt to show how “it drinks milk from my nipples”. Yes, new baby in the home
  • Tampons. A student with Down’s Syndrome demonstrated how it could be a cigar, came in a spy glass, it had a little rope…
  • A kid brought me his Dads American Express card. He handed it to me and told me to buy myself a new dress.
  • I had a preschooler bring her cat in her backpack. Mom was not happy – luckily she discovered it before leaving. And for Special Day, one of my boys had his dad drive him to school in his backhoe. We all went outside to see it and watch the shovel go up and down!
  • A used pregancy test to show me the plus sign like we were learning in addition, a pan of brownies with the green stuff (marijuana) in them for snack (oops wrong ones was mom’s comment), and a “plastic cover for your finger” (condom) have all been brought into my room.
  • One student’s mom was an exotic dancer. He brought her tassels for show and tell.
  • Pink furry handcuffs from his parent’s bedroom…his mother was so embarrassed
  • One of my students brought in a huge slug, caged in an enclosure with a swingset, a slide, and monkeybars. Though it only visited for a short while, I get a chuckle when I think of that slug sliding down the slide…..
  • I had a first grader bring a dead bat in a ziploc container…then I found it again several months later when I “assisted” in desk cleaning!

Mama Dirty Dances, Kids Enter Therapy

ImageLast weekend was my kids’ high school Homecoming – my freshman daughter’s first. 

As she does every year, the principal sent out the “no grinding” email to parents, encouraging us to discourage our hormone-raging teens from doing the dirty dancing deed. For those of you who don’t have teenagers, grinding is apparently the dance style of choice for today’s teens and consists of simulating sex while trying to avoid being “flashlighted” by a chaperone. 

I’m a child of the 80’s. Even when we slow danced – which was always, ALWAYS, to Freebird – we weren’t body to body. Nope, the girl had her hands around the guy’s neck, his around her waist, and we stood apart (leaving enough room for the holy ghost between us…as my friend’s dad would say) and rocked back and forth and in a circle like we were wind up wooden soldiers on the verge of tipping over.

Being parents of teenagers, my husband and I take our role very seriously. We know and understand that it is our responsibility to embarrass our kids whenever possible. So we seized the sex-dance moment, right there in our kitchen.

Me to the kids: “So, I got the ‘no-grinding’ email from school today.”

Kids: no comment…just blank stares

My husband: “Grinding? What’s grinding? Like your teeth? Why would you grind your teeth at a dance?”

Kids: no comment…eye roll…audible sigh

Me: “No – grinding is how they dance now. It looks like they’re simulating…”

My son (a junior): “STOP! We don’t grind mom…ok? Just stop!”

Husband: “Well how do you dance then? Like this?”

We tuned into the 80s channel on the satellite radio. My husband got up and did the “white man” dance which involves only body parts from the waist up to “Billie Jean.”

Me: “Or how about this?”

I launch into “the shopping car”, “the sprinkler”, and “the Maniac” move from Flashdance.

Then, we tried our version of grinding. Facing each other (which I guess, right off the bat is wrong) I looked like I was trying to free a massive wedgie without my hands and my husband looked like he was a having a seizure or trying out an invisible hula hoop.

It was a magical, reminiscent moment (minus shoulder pads, parachute pants and leg warmers)…until he threw his back out and I strained my neck. 

It’s all fun and games til someone ends up bed with a heating pad.