Unintentionally Inappropriate (or were they??) Test Answers by Kids

Kids…is there any question why they often drive us parents to drink (or what bad reality TV just to escape?) The teachers who were on the receiving end of these gems certainly got a good laugh! Enjoy these unintentionally inappropriate test answers from kids…

Source:

(I found this on Pinterest and had to repin it! Originally pinned from http://www.justdwl.net.)

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When “Show and Tell” Goes Horribly Wrong

So, I’m doing an article for the newspaper on an intermediate student winning a contest through Verizon Wireless. Her big prize? She gets to bring Cincinnati Bengal A.J.Green to school with her for the ultimate “Show and Tell!”

Pretty cool…huh?

So that got me thinking (being an elementary education major myself)…what embarrassing, crazy, will the make the parents want to change their names and move to an obscure town in the bowels of the Ozarks, stuff have kids brought in for “Show and Tell.” Here are some of the funniest ones (posted from real teachers!)…(Names have been excluded or changed to protect the identity of anyone involved!!)

  • Suzy brought in her mom’s personal “massager” and demonstrated on my back…to bad it was her mom’s VIBRATOR!
  • One time a student brought in a bed bug!
  • I had a kindergarten student bring his 3 year old brother to school; he wanted to show his brother the classroom; needless to say we had to call mom and wake her from sleeping!
  • I’ve heard of a student bringing grandma (in an urn)!
  • I had a Kindergarten student bring in Dad’s bong for show and tell…oops!
  • A little boy brought in a Franklin the turtle doll and then lifted his shirt to show how “it drinks milk from my nipples”. Yes, new baby in the home
  • Tampons. A student with Down’s Syndrome demonstrated how it could be a cigar, came in a spy glass, it had a little rope…
  • A kid brought me his Dads American Express card. He handed it to me and told me to buy myself a new dress.
  • I had a preschooler bring her cat in her backpack. Mom was not happy – luckily she discovered it before leaving. And for Special Day, one of my boys had his dad drive him to school in his backhoe. We all went outside to see it and watch the shovel go up and down!
  • A used pregancy test to show me the plus sign like we were learning in addition, a pan of brownies with the green stuff (marijuana) in them for snack (oops wrong ones was mom’s comment), and a “plastic cover for your finger” (condom) have all been brought into my room.
  • One student’s mom was an exotic dancer. He brought her tassels for show and tell.
  • Pink furry handcuffs from his parent’s bedroom…his mother was so embarrassed
  • One of my students brought in a huge slug, caged in an enclosure with a swingset, a slide, and monkeybars. Though it only visited for a short while, I get a chuckle when I think of that slug sliding down the slide…..
  • I had a first grader bring a dead bat in a ziploc container…then I found it again several months later when I “assisted” in desk cleaning!

Mama Dirty Dances, Kids Enter Therapy

ImageLast weekend was my kids’ high school Homecoming – my freshman daughter’s first. 

As she does every year, the principal sent out the “no grinding” email to parents, encouraging us to discourage our hormone-raging teens from doing the dirty dancing deed. For those of you who don’t have teenagers, grinding is apparently the dance style of choice for today’s teens and consists of simulating sex while trying to avoid being “flashlighted” by a chaperone. 

I’m a child of the 80’s. Even when we slow danced – which was always, ALWAYS, to Freebird – we weren’t body to body. Nope, the girl had her hands around the guy’s neck, his around her waist, and we stood apart (leaving enough room for the holy ghost between us…as my friend’s dad would say) and rocked back and forth and in a circle like we were wind up wooden soldiers on the verge of tipping over.

Being parents of teenagers, my husband and I take our role very seriously. We know and understand that it is our responsibility to embarrass our kids whenever possible. So we seized the sex-dance moment, right there in our kitchen.

Me to the kids: “So, I got the ‘no-grinding’ email from school today.”

Kids: no comment…just blank stares

My husband: “Grinding? What’s grinding? Like your teeth? Why would you grind your teeth at a dance?”

Kids: no comment…eye roll…audible sigh

Me: “No – grinding is how they dance now. It looks like they’re simulating…”

My son (a junior): “STOP! We don’t grind mom…ok? Just stop!”

Husband: “Well how do you dance then? Like this?”

We tuned into the 80s channel on the satellite radio. My husband got up and did the “white man” dance which involves only body parts from the waist up to “Billie Jean.”

Me: “Or how about this?”

I launch into “the shopping car”, “the sprinkler”, and “the Maniac” move from Flashdance.

Then, we tried our version of grinding. Facing each other (which I guess, right off the bat is wrong) I looked like I was trying to free a massive wedgie without my hands and my husband looked like he was a having a seizure or trying out an invisible hula hoop.

It was a magical, reminiscent moment (minus shoulder pads, parachute pants and leg warmers)…until he threw his back out and I strained my neck. 

It’s all fun and games til someone ends up bed with a heating pad.

 

 

Mama Goes to the Vet…Can Obamacare apply to pets?

So, I’m at the vet waiting on medicine for one of my dogs (honesty, my two older dogs take more medication than my 90-year-old grandma) – can Obamacare be extended to pets?

Anyway, so I’m sitting across from this lady who was sniffling…clearly crying. The vet tech comes out and says, “Snickers is going to be fine. He has a kidney condition and you’ll just need to continue the medication and monitor him. Just give me a second and I’ll bring him out so you can go home.”

The woman, clearly releaved, said, “Oh…I just knew something was wrong. He was hardly opening his eyes and he seemed to be in so much pain. I will definitely keep a close watch on him…should I bring him in for a recheck?”

At which point the vet tech was back with Snickers…WHO WAS A HAMSTER!!!!!

A FREAKIN’ HAMSTER!!!!! With a kidney condition!!!!

What are they, like $10 a piece? Can you say cat food??? Get another damn hamster lady and call it a day!

Which brings me to the point of today’s blog…how much do we love our pets? I love my pets…but I do have my limits…

My “babies”

This is Murphy…my 11-year-old cockapoo with a perpetual gas problem. (We “adopted” her after my mom died…well actually, I think we agreed to watch her for a weekend when my dad went out of town and he just never took her back!) Anyway, Murphy’s farts notoriously clear a room and have come in quite handy when we need lingering guests to go the hell home…we just give her a few raw hide chew sticks a few hours before and then strategically place her under the coffee table when it’s time to call it a night then wait. Finally there’s a “ppppffffttttt…” and then viola…everyone goes home.

Murphy is unfortunately NOT the picture of health. She’s had a cancerous growth removed from her face, an enlarged heart, high liver enzymes, fatty tumors all over her body, Cushings disease and just recently…an ear hematoma that was surgically removed.

cha ching.

This is my other dog, Heidi…a 12-year-old Bichon, a.k.a “the great white ‘ho’!”

Heidi is a sweet dog with a penchant for rolling over on her back and peeing on herself when people go to pet her. She has a perpetual sinus condition that causes her to make a Felix Unger/goose honking noise whenever we go on a walk. Not surprisingly…she’s fat because no one except me wants to walk her and endure the embarrassment of all of the stares at the fat, honking dog who stops to crap or pee in every other yard.

Heidi is allergic to EVERYTHING…and when I say EVERYTHING…I truly mean everything and so requires special food and allergy shots. She has two ruptured discs in her neck and takes daily steriods and pain killers. If we choose to try to “fix” the disc problem…it’s $6,000 with no guarantees.

Double cha ching.

In a momentary lapse of reason, we got a third dog…Izzy – a 1-year-old maltipoo.

Izzy has a penchant for humping a stuffed cat twice her size and for chewing apart flip flops, makeup brushes and tampons.

Knock on wood…the only “problems” Izzy’s faced is the occasional dingleberry stuck in her fur.

Heidi is completely pissed about Izzy’s very existence. I’ve seen her (Heidi) lurking a little to close to the edge of the pool…likely contemplating suicide by drowning (she can’t swim as proven by the time to fell into the pool and proceeded to sink to the bottom.) Murph, on the other hand, seems to enjoy her.

We’re anticipating some tough decisions with the older two in months to come and in an economy like the one we find ourselves in and a daugther heading off to college, it makes it even more difficult.

How far will we be willing to go to keep them around? Chemotherapy? Back surgery? Hormone replacement?

After all, though we love them, they are dogs. I mean…at the end of the day, there is a pecking order and we do have priorities…kids in college, future weddings…

Lipo for Mama.

 

Time Magazine’s Cover: A Boy and a Boob

 

I’m all for the benefits of breastfeeding your kids…but can you say “therapy” for this kid down the road?

This is one picture they won’t be whipping out for the slideshow at his wedding!

‘Nuff said on my end.

Thoughts?

“Butt-Chugging”, “Vodka Tampons” and “Eyeballing”…Do You Know What Your Teen is Doing????

Vodka…it’s not just for drinking anymore.

Who dreams up this stuff anyway? Teens…that’s who.

I have three of my own, one of which is heading off to college in the fall. I’m no shrinking violet but the stories out there about the lengths teens are going to for a quick and easy “buzz” are disturbing (not to mention VERY DANGEROUS!)

Why can’t they just drink underage normally like we did? One beer (by mouth) at a time???

Apparently, gone are the days of teens fearing “beer breath” and hours hugging the “porcelain God”. By “consuming” alcohol rectally, it bypasses the stomach and the acid in the stomach and is absorbed directly into the bloodstream, and viola…faster buzz, no alcohol breath for parents to smell, and no risk of barfing.

Nope…the quickest way to the good old fashioned buzz is through the asshole…and eyeball…or the asshole and eyeball simultaneously if you’re feeling particularly adventurous.

Just be sure to bring some Vaseline (and make sure you effectively “wiped”)…

Butt-Chugging

Hhhmmm…is this the reason for the rising popularity in ass-bleaching? Because everyone at parties nowadays will see your pooper?

It’s the same “beer bong” as the “old days” – a funnel attached to tubing – only instead of inserting the tube into your mouth, the tube is inserted into the rectum.

Hhhmmm…I wonder if “Frank the Tank” will do a Butt Bong in an “Old School” sequel??

Vodka Tampons

Check your manhood at the door fellas.

Apparently, a tampon can absorb approximately the equivalent of a shot of vodka (unless of course, you are using the super-absorbency version, in which case, you’ll be doing three shots).

How exactly they shove a fully-absorbed tampon up their butt is beyond me…

Vodka Eyeballing

 

This method is particularly convenient in that the “consumer” won’t be able to see the rest of the group laughing at what a dumbass he/she is.

 

 

 

Gummy Bear “Shots”

 

 

Sure he looks innocent…but after swimming in a pool of vodka, this little bear packs a potent punch.