oscar-statueEvery year I say I’m going to do it and I never do. And no, I’m not talking about losing 10 pounds, alphabetizing my spice rack or Botoxing my underarms so I stop looking like my pits spit up at the most inopportune times.

No…I’m talking about seeing every movie up for a Best Picture Oscar…BEFORE the Oscars are awarded.

Just when I was getting close to accomplishing my goal, the Academy decided it would be a great idea to double the number of films up for best picture. Why???? Was it not more of an honor if you were one of the five nominated? Only one picture still wins…I don’t get it. But, it is what it is.

So, here are this year’s nominees:

Amour
Life of Pi
Argo
Lincoln
Silver Linings Playbook
Beasts of the Southern Wild
Les Miserables
Django Unchained
Zero Dark Thirty

Two that strike me as ones I won’t be thrilled to see: Amour and Beasts of the Southern Wild. I haven’t even seen them in theaters…not a good sign (at least my attention span). But I’m committed.

So, pathetically, I have only seen one to date: Les Miserables. Here is my Review…

lesmisLes Miserables

This was one of my absolute favorite Broadway productions. I LOVED it! So, the movie had a lot to live up to. First…let’s start with how in the hell to properly pronounce it so that you can look intelligent and in the know when you discuss the movie while drowing your sorrows in a drink (because that’s what you’ll feel like doing after seeing it.)

The correct pronunciation is: Lay Mee-say-hrabl
For the end part…pretend that you are about to clear a giant hocker from your throat and then immediately follow that with a rah-bl. Or just say Lay-Miz like the rest of us and be done with it.

So…in short…I LOVED it. Though I had a strange urge to take a shower and clean under my fingernails the whole time.
What was great about it: The songs of course. Anne Hathaway singing I Dreamed a Dream was of course, AMAZING. And the fact that she did that scene in one take is truly unbelievable. Also, the little girl how played young Cosette…I thought was a great singing “Castle on a Cloud”
What I hated: Anytime Russell Crowe opened his mouth to sing. Great in his role as Javert…AWFUL at singing. Maybe this is where seeing the stage production hurt the movie for me. The man who played Javert on stage had such a deep, bellowing voice. Russell Crowe, to me, just seemed dull and flat when he sang and found it somewhat distracting. When he sang his swan song…let’s just say I found myself thinking, “Oh for God sake, just jump already and put us all out of our misery.”
What I absolutely LOVED about it: Any scene that Sacha Baron Cohen was in. When I first heard he was in it , I thought, “What? Really? Borat is in Les Mis?” But let me tell you…he and Helena Bonham Carter steal the show. Cohen in particular is hysterical and a MUCH needed comic relief…without it, you may have found yourself making yourself choke on your bucket of popcorn.
What was a negative about it: It is LOOOOOONNNNNNGGGGGG. Even if you love, love, love the music. It is long. At times I found myself drifting off, thinking about the many ways to torture the butthead behind me kicking my seat. The singing of every line, though I know that is the point of this type of show, I found tedious sometimes.

But all in all, it was AWESOME and Oscar worthy. I give it a champagne flute salute!

In fact, I found myself singing my parental frustration to my kids (imagine this to the tune of “Call Me Maybe”): “You’re all spoiled brats, you make me crazy…you’re so grounded…and you’re lazy!”

Next up: Zero Dark Thirty

Vampire Diaries vs Twilight – Which Bloodsuckers Rule? (and a Sneak Peak at the Season 4 Premiere)

I am obsessed with all things undead and fanged.

Why?

I have no idea. All I DO know is that I’ve been anticipating the Oct. 11 premiere of Vampire Diaries like a choc-o-holic’s field trip the the Hershey factory. I’ve been anticipating this even more than the final chapter of the Twilight Saga: Breaking Dawn Part 2 which comes out on November 16…and yes…my friend Lela and I will be there for the first show with all the other Twi-moms.

But honestly…in my humble, housewife opinion…Vampire Diaries KICKS TWILIGHT’S ICE COLD ASS!

 

Maybe now that Bella is finally a vampire and so, isn’t so “fragile”, Edward will finally lose the pained, angst-filled, “I have to take a giant crap but I can’t” look and lighten up a bit. The Cullen’s have GOT to be sick of saving her (Bella’s) ass all the time and maybe, just maybe, we’ll see her actually smile…a real smile!

However, The Cullens are no match for the sexy Salvatore brothers – sure, Stefan is a bit of a brooder but not to the extent of Edward. And Damon…he’s hot, he’s funny, he’s a bit bad (but in a good way) – what’s not to love?

Elena vs. Bella: both a bit “helpless” and in constant need of being protected which is somewhat annoying (why can’t we throw a Katniss into the mix? Now THAT would be interesting) but I find Elena less annoying than Bella. Elena appears to have a life outside of her vampire loves – her friends and brother – but Bella wants NOTHING but the Cullens.

The other characters on Vampire Diaries add a lot to the show as well – Caroline, Bonnie, Jeremy, Tyler, Matt etc – that keeps it fun and keeps us engaged. I care about those characters as much as Elena, Stefan and Damon.

Sorry…I just don’t find the Cullens all that interesting. So Carlyle dies…what the hell did he add anyway.

ATTENTION: SPOILER ALERT!

So…for those like me who can’t wait for Thursday’s premiere, here’s a little bit of what to expect this season plus a sneak peek at the premiere episode:

* The way in which Elena remembers one of the memories Damon compelled her to forget is quite visually clever. If the intent was to catch viewers off-guard, well done!

* There is a lot of squabbling-sibling drama, and it’s not all relegated to Damon and Stefan.

* Bonnie’s a bit of a badass in the season opener. But it’ll cost her big time, in a way that’s pretty surprising.

* Let’s just say you don’t need sex to have a sexy (and somewhat disturbing) Damon-and-Elena scene.

* A tender moment between Stefan and Elena manages to thaw even Rebekah’s heart.

* Caroline and Tyler just can’t keep their clothes on.

* Elena’s failure to keep down animal blood provides for some truly gross scenes. It also makes her resort to something that doesn’t make Stefan very happy.

* Mystic Falls returning resident April (Grace Phipps) needs a hug for many reasons.

* Damon’s still saving a seat at the bar. Sniff.

 

 

The Best 80’s Movie Quotes of all Time (or at least…in my opinion)

I ask you…has there been a decade for cult classic movies quite like the 80’s?

Sure, we looked like neon-clad linebackers (thanks to shoulder pads) with bad hair…but damn…did we have some kick ass movies during that time. See if you can name the 80s classics movies from whichew these famous quotes originated…(answers below)

1. “Oh, he’s very popular Ed. The sportos, the motorheads, geeks, sluts, bloods, wastoids,   dweebies, dickheads – they all adore him. They think he’s a righteous dude.”

2. “Son, your ego’s writing checks your body can’t cash.”

3. “Hello! My name is Inigo Montoya. You killed my father. Prepare to die.”

4. “No more yanky my wanky. The Donger need food!”

5. “Does Barry Manilow know you raid his wardrobe?”

6. “Beuller? Beuller? Beuller?”

7. “Ray, if someone asks you if you are a god, you say “Yes!”

8. “Wax on, wax off.”

9. “Yippee-ki-yay, motherf***er!”

10. “Nobody puts Baby in a corner.”

11. “I feel the need…the need for speed.”

12. “They’re hhhhheeeerrrreeee.”

13. “Sometimes, you gotta say…’what the f#ck’!”

14. “Life moves pretty fast. You don’t stop and look around once in a while, you could miss it.”

15. “I’ll be back.” 

16. “I’m not gonna be ignored Dan!”

17. “Strange things are afoot at the Circle K.”

18. “If my calculations are correct, when this baby hits eighty-eight miles per hour… you’re gonna see some serious shit.” 

19. “Lighten up Francis”

20. “What is your major malfunction, numbnuts? Didn’t Mommy and Daddy show you enough attention when you were a child?”

21. “Yes, it’s true. This man has no dick.”

22. “Lunch is for wimps.” 

23. “I gave her my heart, she gave me a pen.”

Answers: (1) Ferris Beuller’s Day Off, (2) Top Gun, (3) The Princess Bride, (4) Sixteen Candles, (5) The Breakfast Club, (6) Ferris Beuller’s Day Off, (7) Ghostbusters, (8) The Karate Kid, (9) Die Hard, (10) Dirty Dancing, (11) Top Gun, (12) Poltergeist, (13) Risky Business, (14) Ferris Beuller’s Day Off, (15) Terminator, (16) Fatal Attraction, (17) Bill and Ted’s Excellent Adventure, (18) Back to the Future, (19) Stripes, (20) Full Metal Jacket, (21) Ghostbuster, (22) Wallstreet, (23) Say Anything

Mamma Goes to the Hustler Store

*STOP*

If you’re easily offended…this blog post is NOT for you (but frankly…it should be!)

So, my book club was having our own “50 Shades of Grey” party and, in the spirit of the book, decided to have a “naughty gift exchange”. Since most of us weren’t sex toy savvy, I decided it warranted a trip to the local sex store: Hustler.

Thank you Larry Flynt.

I am not ashamed. I am not embarrassed to have ventured where no missionary position-loving mamma has gone before. I went forth bravely into the world of SEX paraphernalia and emerged with a frequent buyer card.

Okay…maybe not the frequent buyer card.

Here’s a first hand account of the Hustler Store experience (along with some “helpful hints” for Larry)

First…They need an “incognito entrance” for those of us who, while not ashamed to be there, don’t want to advertise to the outlet mall crowd (which is right across the street) that we’re shopping there! It’s right off the outlet mall exit at Monroe and FACES THE ROAD!!!

So, I walked in and was relieved to discover that it wasn’t as “seedy” as I thought it would be. I was greeted by two perky younger girls who said, “Hi hon…what can we help you with today?”

Oh…the myriad ways I could have answered that question! But I left it with, “Oh…I’m just browsing”…so I looked like an even bigger weirdo. I’m guessing not many people drive all the way to the Hustler Store just to “browse”…if you’re there…you usually have a distinct purchase in mind!

Anyway…OMG!!! For a novice…one wouldn’t even know where to begin! Which leads me to my second recommendation for Larry…

A “Self-diddle” Dabbler section for those who want to “try” self-gratification but don’t want to commit the big bucks yet! And let me tell you…the “high quality” toys aint cheap. The ones that are?…You’d probably do just as well with your garden variety cucumber.

One thing I was especially curious to check out were “the balls” that Christian and Anastasia used in the book. You remember – when she had them in while they were at the gala at his parent house and she nearly had a “When Harry Met Sally” orgasm moment several times over??? I had to check it out for myself. Here they are…

In reality…they’re about the size of marbles. How in the hell is THAT going to give me pleasure? In theory…what goes up (as in the balls) must come down…right? But shoved up my “anatomical bridge to nowhere” that served as a birth canal three times over, they’d go up and be blown out my nose hours later.

So I asked the store lady: “How in the hell do you know that you’ll ever get these out?”

Store lady: “Well…frankly…that concerns me too so I recommend the balls that are attached to a little cord…kinda like a tampon, for easy ‘retrieval’.”  (Hhhmmm…I may have to live with loose Kegels and peeing when I laugh)…

So, fyou could get these…”Magic 8 Balls”

I don’t know about you, but my pelvic muscles already feel tighter. And the added benefit? Feeling a little doubtful about how he’s feeling about you? Shove these puppies in, ask a question, jump up and down and few times, pull them out and viola…you’ll have your answer!

They had rows of porn movies, fetish paraphernalia (whips, handcuffs, riding crops, gags…I could think of several non-sexual uses for these!) and entire wall dedicated to your ass. After hitting this section of the store, my butt cheeks were permanently clenched.

For example…”The Booty Rocker”…

Honestly, I could anchor my light up, outdoor Santa with this thing. Who buys this stuff????

I must be old…I have enough trouble keeping things coming OUT of that orifice!

And for your vibrating pleasure…you too can have a Soraya Black for a mere $200…

$200??? Is it turbo charged??? 200 horse power so when this puppy comes on you can “ride” it like Seabiscuit??!!! With vibration like that, my 44-year-old insides would be permanently rearranged with my ovaries in my armpits.

They even had a table dedicated to “50 Shades of Grey” and “toys” that were mentioned in the books themselves. In the end, for our “naughty gift exchange”, I bought handcuffs made out of candy (a la the candy necklaces of yore) and a “pocket” vibrator in the shape of a bunny…

Now that’s something every women wants stuffed in HER Easter basket!!

Ian Somerhalder…the Big Screen’s Christian Grey? Who Should Play Anastasia?

OMG!!!

Could we be looking at the big screen’s version of Christian Grey???? I would pay HIM to be his submissive!!

With a dominant who looks like him, who wouldn’t misbehave just to get spanked!

Rumor has it (US Weekly to give credit where credit is due) that the Vampire Diaries hunk is said to be in contention for the coveted role of Christian Grey…the multi-billionaire stud in E.L. James’s hugely popular triology, “50 Shades of Grey.”

Dubbed “mommy porn”, the controversial book series follows college graduate (and lucky bitch!) Anastasia Steele as she meets and enters into a weird, twisted relationship with billionaire Grey…who is into the whole dominant-submissive thing.

Come on…I love me some Robert Pattinson, but would Ian have made an awesome Edward Cullen or what????

BTW…I am now on book three (“50 Shades Freed”) of the “Grey” series. I actually loved book two (“50 Shades Darker”) even better than book one!

My husband is annoyed, foreseeing a Twilight-like obsession brewing for the next few years!

If you’ve read the books (or at least the first one), who do you think would make a good Anastasia Steele? She describes herself as a “pale, brown-haired girl with blue eyes too big for her face”. Any of these ladies? I’m thinking Emma Stone or Amanda Seyfried. (From top left clockwise it’s Emmy Rossum, Missy Peregrym, Shailene Woodley, Rachel Bilson, Emma Stone and Amanda Seyfried.

What is “The Hunger Games” Equivalent for “Twi-Hards?”

OK…I still have not scene the damn movie.

I went to get tickets on Saturday and the line was out the door and practically around the corner…with crazed fans buying tickets – not for that moment – but for that evening! And unlike the Twilight stampede with every movie release, the line for The Hunger Games was NOT made of of 98% teenage girls (oh who am I kidding…we 40 something women were right there with them).

My husband, who would have prefered a root canal over having to see a Twilight movie with me, can’t wait to see The Hunger Games. Same with my son. Which led to a family debate over dinner about what die-hard Hunger Games fans will be called (since Twilight fanatics were dubbed “Twi-hards”.)

“How about ‘Hung-hards’?” I suggested. Ooops.

My husband choked on his lasagna.

My son spit out his drink (on the dog) as his face simultaneously turned as red as a baboon’s butt.

My youngest daughter had no clue what just happened but was prepared to give her dad the Heimlich. Clearly, her mind has not yet hit the gutter like the rest of us.

Any suggestions?…(for names that is…not whether or not you should call family services!)

  • Gamers? (No…sounds too much like an Xbox thing)
  • THGers?
  • Panemites?

 

 

The Hunger Games with Social Media: If Katniss Could Tweet

Imagine if Katniss could have Tweeted or posted status updates to Facebook during the games.

At the reaping:

@reaping. OMG I’m goin to games with the Pillsbury Dough Boy. #FML

Somebody needs an ambush makeover#wtf…

At the Capitol for training:

#who I’d like to kill first: Clove and Cato (aka bitch and butthead)

 

 

 

 

 

 

LMS if you think he looks kinda hot:

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Look who gets to give ME a makeover! #Suck it bitches!

 

In the arena:

Here Cato…have some toilet paper#whatadick

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

#Poisonous or not? Should I eat this? God I miss Gale…