If you’re easily offended…this blog post is NOT for you (but frankly…it should be!)
So, my book club was having our own “50 Shades of Grey” party and, in the spirit of the book, decided to have a “naughty gift exchange”. Since most of us weren’t sex toy savvy, I decided it warranted a trip to the local sex store: Hustler.
Thank you Larry Flynt.
I am not ashamed. I am not embarrassed to have ventured where no missionary position-loving mamma has gone before. I went forth bravely into the world of SEX paraphernalia and emerged with a frequent buyer card.
Okay…maybe not the frequent buyer card.
Here’s a first hand account of the Hustler Store experience (along with some “helpful hints” for Larry)…
First…They need an “incognito entrance” for those of us who, while not ashamed to be there, don’t want to advertise to the outlet mall crowd (which is right across the street) that we’re shopping there! It’s right off the outlet mall exit at Monroe and FACES THE ROAD!!!
So, I walked in and was relieved to discover that it wasn’t as “seedy” as I thought it would be. I was greeted by two perky younger girls who said, “Hi hon…what can we help you with today?”
Oh…the myriad ways I could have answered that question! But I left it with, “Oh…I’m just browsing”…so I looked like an even bigger weirdo. I’m guessing not many people drive all the way to the Hustler Store just to “browse”…if you’re there…you usually have a distinct purchase in mind!
Anyway…OMG!!! For a novice…one wouldn’t even know where to begin! Which leads me to my second recommendation for Larry…
A “Self-diddle” Dabbler section for those who want to “try” self-gratification but don’t want to commit the big bucks yet! And let me tell you…the “high quality” toys aint cheap. The ones that are?…You’d probably do just as well with your garden variety cucumber.
One thing I was especially curious to check out were “the balls” that Christian and Anastasia used in the book. You remember – when she had them in while they were at the gala at his parent house and she nearly had a “When Harry Met Sally” orgasm moment several times over??? I had to check it out for myself. Here they are…
In reality…they’re about the size of marbles. How in the hell is THAT going to give me pleasure? In theory…what goes up (as in the balls) must come down…right? But shoved up my “anatomical bridge to nowhere” that served as a birth canal three times over, they’d go up and be blown out my nose hours later.
So I asked the store lady: “How in the hell do you know that you’ll ever get these out?”
Store lady: “Well…frankly…that concerns me too so I recommend the balls that are attached to a little cord…kinda like a tampon, for easy ‘retrieval’.” (Hhhmmm…I may have to live with loose Kegels and peeing when I laugh)…
So, fyou could get these…”Magic 8 Balls”
I don’t know about you, but my pelvic muscles already feel tighter. And the added benefit? Feeling a little doubtful about how he’s feeling about you? Shove these puppies in, ask a question, jump up and down and few times, pull them out and viola…you’ll have your answer!
They had rows of porn movies, fetish paraphernalia (whips, handcuffs, riding crops, gags…I could think of several non-sexual uses for these!) and entire wall dedicated to your ass. After hitting this section of the store, my butt cheeks were permanently clenched.
For example…”The Booty Rocker”…
Honestly, I could anchor my light up, outdoor Santa with this thing. Who buys this stuff????
I must be old…I have enough trouble keeping things coming OUT of that orifice!
And for your vibrating pleasure…you too can have a Soraya Black for a mere $200…
$200??? Is it turbo charged??? 200 horse power so when this puppy comes on you can “ride” it like Seabiscuit??!!! With vibration like that, my 44-year-old insides would be permanently rearranged with my ovaries in my armpits.
They even had a table dedicated to “50 Shades of Grey” and “toys” that were mentioned in the books themselves. In the end, for our “naughty gift exchange”, I bought handcuffs made out of candy (a la the candy necklaces of yore) and a “pocket” vibrator in the shape of a bunny…
Now that’s something every women wants stuffed in HER Easter basket!!