Unintentionally Inappropriate (or were they??) Test Answers by Kids

Kids…is there any question why they often drive us parents to drink (or what bad reality TV just to escape?) The teachers who were on the receiving end of these gems certainly got a good laugh! Enjoy these unintentionally inappropriate test answers from kids…

Source:

(I found this on Pinterest and had to repin it! Originally pinned from http://www.justdwl.net.)

New Year’s Resolutions can Suck It

homer_simpson_angels_and_demons-11209I’ve been on my annual downward spiral into “holy shit…I’ve gained 10 pounds” hell since Halloween that will continue until after Easter, at which point the “holy shit…I have to get into a swim suit” in two months will set in…at which time I will purge the pantry and refrigerator of all things glorious and tasty and replace them all things that taste like cardboard and packing peanuts.

It’s not that I don’t try, it’s just that I have the willpower of a kid in a candy shop. For example, in the beginning of January – when I am supposed to be “eating healthy” – the family decides they want to go to Red Robin (a.k.a. the place where fried is king and cholesterol has is driving the party bus right into your heart arteries). I see the Tower of Onion Rings on the menu. I pause and look to my right shoulder where the skinny-assed “Angel Me” is waving her boney-ass finger in my face and shaking her head saying “No, no Christie…a moment on the lips is a lifetime on the hips.”

And in that moment…as saliva is pooling in my mouth…I hate “Angel Me.” Frankly, I find her incredibly boring and majorly unfun, with a perpetual pole stuck up her ass (like her sister how sits atop my Christmas tree.)

Then I look to my left shoulder, and there looking phat (no…not “fat”) and happy is “Devil Me,” dancing Gangnam Style…laughing and having a grand old time. She looks at me and says, “Have the damn Tower of Onion Rings girlfriend…you only live once! Life’s too short. We all die someday and no one is going to give a shit if you have an extra ten pounds on while you’re laying stiff in the coffin. But what they WILL remember is that you were FUN! CAREFREE! And not a stick in the mud like Nancy No-Sin over there!”

Of course, all of this happens in a matter of seconds as I wait for the rest of my family to order. I take a quick assessment of the rest of the crowd at the restaurant and realize that my fellow fried food feasters all look incredibly happy! They’re smiling and laughing and trying to get their sulking, salad-eating, carb-starved table buddy to do the same!

And then it hit me…Jesus and his disciples broke bread at the last supper! Jesus ate carbs and asked that his devoted followers do the same! At the moment, my husband pulled me from my reverie and said…

“For the love of God, Christie…will you order already!”

To which I replied excitedly…

“Yes! Yes! Exactly! For it is for the love of God that I will prove my devotion and order the Tower of Onion Rings and bottomless basket of fries! And bring me a glass of wine too!”

Amen!

(Do you think Jesus had Tums?)

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When “Show and Tell” Goes Horribly Wrong

So, I’m doing an article for the newspaper on an intermediate student winning a contest through Verizon Wireless. Her big prize? She gets to bring Cincinnati Bengal A.J.Green to school with her for the ultimate “Show and Tell!”

Pretty cool…huh?

So that got me thinking (being an elementary education major myself)…what embarrassing, crazy, will the make the parents want to change their names and move to an obscure town in the bowels of the Ozarks, stuff have kids brought in for “Show and Tell.” Here are some of the funniest ones (posted from real teachers!)…(Names have been excluded or changed to protect the identity of anyone involved!!)

  • Suzy brought in her mom’s personal “massager” and demonstrated on my back…to bad it was her mom’s VIBRATOR!
  • One time a student brought in a bed bug!
  • I had a kindergarten student bring his 3 year old brother to school; he wanted to show his brother the classroom; needless to say we had to call mom and wake her from sleeping!
  • I’ve heard of a student bringing grandma (in an urn)!
  • I had a Kindergarten student bring in Dad’s bong for show and tell…oops!
  • A little boy brought in a Franklin the turtle doll and then lifted his shirt to show how “it drinks milk from my nipples”. Yes, new baby in the home
  • Tampons. A student with Down’s Syndrome demonstrated how it could be a cigar, came in a spy glass, it had a little rope…
  • A kid brought me his Dads American Express card. He handed it to me and told me to buy myself a new dress.
  • I had a preschooler bring her cat in her backpack. Mom was not happy – luckily she discovered it before leaving. And for Special Day, one of my boys had his dad drive him to school in his backhoe. We all went outside to see it and watch the shovel go up and down!
  • A used pregancy test to show me the plus sign like we were learning in addition, a pan of brownies with the green stuff (marijuana) in them for snack (oops wrong ones was mom’s comment), and a “plastic cover for your finger” (condom) have all been brought into my room.
  • One student’s mom was an exotic dancer. He brought her tassels for show and tell.
  • Pink furry handcuffs from his parent’s bedroom…his mother was so embarrassed
  • One of my students brought in a huge slug, caged in an enclosure with a swingset, a slide, and monkeybars. Though it only visited for a short while, I get a chuckle when I think of that slug sliding down the slide…..
  • I had a first grader bring a dead bat in a ziploc container…then I found it again several months later when I “assisted” in desk cleaning!

Ode to Aging Boobs

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

When I was but a tweenage girl,
And showing cleavage wasn’t an issue,
I went to the mall,
And got “My First Bra”
And stuffed it full of tissues.

And then after months of stuffing,
The boobs were finally there,
My dad threw fits,
Cuz now I had tits,
And boys had begun to stare.

Perky, full and beautiful they were,
Standing at attention,
But little did I know,
The direction they’d go,
Of this, no one had mentioned.

After popping out a few babies,
And nursing them as well,
They began to deflate,
At a record rate,
And my nipples suddenly pointed to hell.

Now room temperature dollops of sour cream,
I went from a C to minus A cup,
And here’s the thing,
I need a belly button ring,
As a hitch to hold them up.

My husband doesn’t understand,
And he’s tired of my rants,
But I bet he’d feel bad,
If he suddenly had,
His balls hanging from beneath his pants.

What Were They Thinking? Completely Inappropriate Halloween Costumes

So, while looking up different ideas for Halloween costumes, I came across these pics of kids in ubelievable costumes. I am no prude, but even I thought a few of them definitely muddied the waters between funny and disturbing. Enjoy…

This first one is my personal favorite…as if the costumes themselves aren’t bad enough, the little girl checking out her a dad’s costume “accessory” is just plain WRONG!