Awful and Extra Cheesy Pick Up Lines

cheeseballThis week on Modern Family…Phil and Claire were trying to have a romantic time at a bar:

Phil: “Did it hurt?”
Claire: “Did what hurt?”
Phil: “When you fell from heaven?”

Or how about Cam (I love him) to Mitchell:

“Do you believe in love at first sight or do I need to walk in again?”

From Phil or Cam, it was cute. If some guy tried that on me, I’d have to smack him!

How about some pick up lines guaranteed to keep you single for a LONG time…

Just plain cheesy

Do you have a library card? Because I’m checkin’ you out!
Are you a parking ticket? ‘Cuz you’ve got fine written all over you!
Can I have directions? (“Where?”) To your heart!
Are you feet tired? ‘Cuz you’ve been running through my mind all day!
Is there an airport nearyby or is that just my heart taking off?
I hope there’s a fireman around ‘cuz you’re smokin’!
You must be in the wrong place…the Miss Universe contest is over there!
Are you from Tennessee? ‘Cuz you’re the only ten I see!

Somewhat sexual but equally cheesy


Was your dad a baker? ‘Cuz you got the nicesst set of buns I’ve ever seen!
You turn my software into hardware
Hi…I have big feet!
Did you wash your clothes with Windex ‘cuz I see me in your pants!
The word of the day is legs…let’s go back to my house and spread the word!
Does this rag smell like chloroform to you?
What’s a nice girl like you doing in a dirty mind like mine?
I may not be Fred Flintstone, but I can still make your bed rock!

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New Year’s Resolutions can Suck It

homer_simpson_angels_and_demons-11209I’ve been on my annual downward spiral into “holy shit…I’ve gained 10 pounds” hell since Halloween that will continue until after Easter, at which point the “holy shit…I have to get into a swim suit” in two months will set in…at which time I will purge the pantry and refrigerator of all things glorious and tasty and replace them all things that taste like cardboard and packing peanuts.

It’s not that I don’t try, it’s just that I have the willpower of a kid in a candy shop. For example, in the beginning of January – when I am supposed to be “eating healthy” – the family decides they want to go to Red Robin (a.k.a. the place where fried is king and cholesterol has is driving the party bus right into your heart arteries). I see the Tower of Onion Rings on the menu. I pause and look to my right shoulder where the skinny-assed “Angel Me” is waving her boney-ass finger in my face and shaking her head saying “No, no Christie…a moment on the lips is a lifetime on the hips.”

And in that moment…as saliva is pooling in my mouth…I hate “Angel Me.” Frankly, I find her incredibly boring and majorly unfun, with a perpetual pole stuck up her ass (like her sister how sits atop my Christmas tree.)

Then I look to my left shoulder, and there looking phat (no…not “fat”) and happy is “Devil Me,” dancing Gangnam Style…laughing and having a grand old time. She looks at me and says, “Have the damn Tower of Onion Rings girlfriend…you only live once! Life’s too short. We all die someday and no one is going to give a shit if you have an extra ten pounds on while you’re laying stiff in the coffin. But what they WILL remember is that you were FUN! CAREFREE! And not a stick in the mud like Nancy No-Sin over there!”

Of course, all of this happens in a matter of seconds as I wait for the rest of my family to order. I take a quick assessment of the rest of the crowd at the restaurant and realize that my fellow fried food feasters all look incredibly happy! They’re smiling and laughing and trying to get their sulking, salad-eating, carb-starved table buddy to do the same!

And then it hit me…Jesus and his disciples broke bread at the last supper! Jesus ate carbs and asked that his devoted followers do the same! At the moment, my husband pulled me from my reverie and said…

“For the love of God, Christie…will you order already!”

To which I replied excitedly…

“Yes! Yes! Exactly! For it is for the love of God that I will prove my devotion and order the Tower of Onion Rings and bottomless basket of fries! And bring me a glass of wine too!”

Amen!

(Do you think Jesus had Tums?)

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What Were They Thinking? Completely Inappropriate Halloween Costumes

So, while looking up different ideas for Halloween costumes, I came across these pics of kids in ubelievable costumes. I am no prude, but even I thought a few of them definitely muddied the waters between funny and disturbing. Enjoy…

This first one is my personal favorite…as if the costumes themselves aren’t bad enough, the little girl checking out her a dad’s costume “accessory” is just plain WRONG!

 

Vampire Diaries vs Twilight – Which Bloodsuckers Rule? (and a Sneak Peak at the Season 4 Premiere)

I am obsessed with all things undead and fanged.

Why?

I have no idea. All I DO know is that I’ve been anticipating the Oct. 11 premiere of Vampire Diaries like a choc-o-holic’s field trip the the Hershey factory. I’ve been anticipating this even more than the final chapter of the Twilight Saga: Breaking Dawn Part 2 which comes out on November 16…and yes…my friend Lela and I will be there for the first show with all the other Twi-moms.

But honestly…in my humble, housewife opinion…Vampire Diaries KICKS TWILIGHT’S ICE COLD ASS!

 

Maybe now that Bella is finally a vampire and so, isn’t so “fragile”, Edward will finally lose the pained, angst-filled, “I have to take a giant crap but I can’t” look and lighten up a bit. The Cullen’s have GOT to be sick of saving her (Bella’s) ass all the time and maybe, just maybe, we’ll see her actually smile…a real smile!

However, The Cullens are no match for the sexy Salvatore brothers – sure, Stefan is a bit of a brooder but not to the extent of Edward. And Damon…he’s hot, he’s funny, he’s a bit bad (but in a good way) – what’s not to love?

Elena vs. Bella: both a bit “helpless” and in constant need of being protected which is somewhat annoying (why can’t we throw a Katniss into the mix? Now THAT would be interesting) but I find Elena less annoying than Bella. Elena appears to have a life outside of her vampire loves – her friends and brother – but Bella wants NOTHING but the Cullens.

The other characters on Vampire Diaries add a lot to the show as well – Caroline, Bonnie, Jeremy, Tyler, Matt etc – that keeps it fun and keeps us engaged. I care about those characters as much as Elena, Stefan and Damon.

Sorry…I just don’t find the Cullens all that interesting. So Carlyle dies…what the hell did he add anyway.

ATTENTION: SPOILER ALERT!

So…for those like me who can’t wait for Thursday’s premiere, here’s a little bit of what to expect this season plus a sneak peek at the premiere episode:

* The way in which Elena remembers one of the memories Damon compelled her to forget is quite visually clever. If the intent was to catch viewers off-guard, well done!

* There is a lot of squabbling-sibling drama, and it’s not all relegated to Damon and Stefan.

* Bonnie’s a bit of a badass in the season opener. But it’ll cost her big time, in a way that’s pretty surprising.

* Let’s just say you don’t need sex to have a sexy (and somewhat disturbing) Damon-and-Elena scene.

* A tender moment between Stefan and Elena manages to thaw even Rebekah’s heart.

* Caroline and Tyler just can’t keep their clothes on.

* Elena’s failure to keep down animal blood provides for some truly gross scenes. It also makes her resort to something that doesn’t make Stefan very happy.

* Mystic Falls returning resident April (Grace Phipps) needs a hug for many reasons.

* Damon’s still saving a seat at the bar. Sniff.

 

 

The Best 80’s Movie Quotes of all Time (or at least…in my opinion)

I ask you…has there been a decade for cult classic movies quite like the 80’s?

Sure, we looked like neon-clad linebackers (thanks to shoulder pads) with bad hair…but damn…did we have some kick ass movies during that time. See if you can name the 80s classics movies from whichew these famous quotes originated…(answers below)

1. “Oh, he’s very popular Ed. The sportos, the motorheads, geeks, sluts, bloods, wastoids,   dweebies, dickheads – they all adore him. They think he’s a righteous dude.”

2. “Son, your ego’s writing checks your body can’t cash.”

3. “Hello! My name is Inigo Montoya. You killed my father. Prepare to die.”

4. “No more yanky my wanky. The Donger need food!”

5. “Does Barry Manilow know you raid his wardrobe?”

6. “Beuller? Beuller? Beuller?”

7. “Ray, if someone asks you if you are a god, you say “Yes!”

8. “Wax on, wax off.”

9. “Yippee-ki-yay, motherf***er!”

10. “Nobody puts Baby in a corner.”

11. “I feel the need…the need for speed.”

12. “They’re hhhhheeeerrrreeee.”

13. “Sometimes, you gotta say…’what the f#ck’!”

14. “Life moves pretty fast. You don’t stop and look around once in a while, you could miss it.”

15. “I’ll be back.” 

16. “I’m not gonna be ignored Dan!”

17. “Strange things are afoot at the Circle K.”

18. “If my calculations are correct, when this baby hits eighty-eight miles per hour… you’re gonna see some serious shit.” 

19. “Lighten up Francis”

20. “What is your major malfunction, numbnuts? Didn’t Mommy and Daddy show you enough attention when you were a child?”

21. “Yes, it’s true. This man has no dick.”

22. “Lunch is for wimps.” 

23. “I gave her my heart, she gave me a pen.”

Answers: (1) Ferris Beuller’s Day Off, (2) Top Gun, (3) The Princess Bride, (4) Sixteen Candles, (5) The Breakfast Club, (6) Ferris Beuller’s Day Off, (7) Ghostbusters, (8) The Karate Kid, (9) Die Hard, (10) Dirty Dancing, (11) Top Gun, (12) Poltergeist, (13) Risky Business, (14) Ferris Beuller’s Day Off, (15) Terminator, (16) Fatal Attraction, (17) Bill and Ted’s Excellent Adventure, (18) Back to the Future, (19) Stripes, (20) Full Metal Jacket, (21) Ghostbuster, (22) Wallstreet, (23) Say Anything

The Benefits of a “Dumb” Dog

Everything is focused on “Smart” these days…smart cars, smart phones, smart tv, and in my house…smart asses.

My husband has longed to continue the smart trend with a “smart” dog – in this case, a well-trained, obedient German Shepherd.

Instead, he got three “boutique” dogs who eat their own crap.

Frankly, I don’t need a “smart” dog…why would I? It’s not like I’m asking it to do my taxes for God sake…I just wanna pet the damn thing. I don’t need some smart dog judging me either – going to grab the leash because he thinks that I “need” to go for a walk.

Nope…I’m happy with my non-shedding, poodle mixes. Check out this crack-squad of incredible canines…

This is Murphy.

I’ve “trained” her to clean up after herself! She goes out, takes a dump, turns around and well…cleans it up! Just don’t let her lick your face.

She smiles too, but depending on if it’s before or after yard clean up…it ain’t pretty. She also sometimes humps Heidi – usually in the middle of our family room during a party – even though they’re both female.

This is Heidi.

I’ve “trained” Heidi to perform “the fountain”…when someone comes to visit, she immediately rolls onto her back and pees. And it that weren’t amazing enough, I’ve taught her to dance. Her fave? The butt-scootin’ boogie (usually performed to dislodge a dingleberry.)

She also performs her “goose call” on walks. It’s a lovely, very loud honking sound often followed by a hack and vomit – all due to an unfortunate sinus condition – but it does the job in clearing the sidewalk for us.

And finally…there’s Izzy. Sure, she might be the size of a large rodent, but on the inside…she’s completely bad ass. However, she’s a bit of a nymphomaniac with a penchant for a stuffed cat. Now…she’s the star of her own “porn flick”…

 

 

 

 

NCIS…DiNozzo’s Many Names for McGee

If you were to walk into my house at any given time, you’re likely to find the TV playing NCIS, Law & Order: SVU or Criminal Minds reruns (that is…when I’m not watching True Blood or Vampire Diaries. I know…vampire shows. I don’t get my obsession either…cold, pale, brooding dudes are not really my thing. I’m more for the nicely tanned, warm variety with a sense of humor. Shit…maybe I’m anemic.)

Anyway, I toggle between USA Network, A&E and Cloo. I can’t get enough of these shows – especially NCIS’s Anthony DiNozzo…he’s cute, he’s snarky and he has a penchant for calling fellow agent, Timothy McGee “Mc-something” insulting!

Check out this McGee Nickname montage: