Awful and Extra Cheesy Pick Up Lines

cheeseballThis week on Modern Family…Phil and Claire were trying to have a romantic time at a bar:

Phil: “Did it hurt?”
Claire: “Did what hurt?”
Phil: “When you fell from heaven?”

Or how about Cam (I love him) to Mitchell:

“Do you believe in love at first sight or do I need to walk in again?”

From Phil or Cam, it was cute. If some guy tried that on me, I’d have to smack him!

How about some pick up lines guaranteed to keep you single for a LONG time…

Just plain cheesy

Do you have a library card? Because I’m checkin’ you out!
Are you a parking ticket? ‘Cuz you’ve got fine written all over you!
Can I have directions? (“Where?”) To your heart!
Are you feet tired? ‘Cuz you’ve been running through my mind all day!
Is there an airport nearyby or is that just my heart taking off?
I hope there’s a fireman around ‘cuz you’re smokin’!
You must be in the wrong place…the Miss Universe contest is over there!
Are you from Tennessee? ‘Cuz you’re the only ten I see!

Somewhat sexual but equally cheesy


Was your dad a baker? ‘Cuz you got the nicesst set of buns I’ve ever seen!
You turn my software into hardware
Hi…I have big feet!
Did you wash your clothes with Windex ‘cuz I see me in your pants!
The word of the day is legs…let’s go back to my house and spread the word!
Does this rag smell like chloroform to you?
What’s a nice girl like you doing in a dirty mind like mine?
I may not be Fred Flintstone, but I can still make your bed rock!

New Year’s Resolutions can Suck It

homer_simpson_angels_and_demons-11209I’ve been on my annual downward spiral into “holy shit…I’ve gained 10 pounds” hell since Halloween that will continue until after Easter, at which point the “holy shit…I have to get into a swim suit” in two months will set in…at which time I will purge the pantry and refrigerator of all things glorious and tasty and replace them all things that taste like cardboard and packing peanuts.

It’s not that I don’t try, it’s just that I have the willpower of a kid in a candy shop. For example, in the beginning of January – when I am supposed to be “eating healthy” – the family decides they want to go to Red Robin (a.k.a. the place where fried is king and cholesterol has is driving the party bus right into your heart arteries). I see the Tower of Onion Rings on the menu. I pause and look to my right shoulder where the skinny-assed “Angel Me” is waving her boney-ass finger in my face and shaking her head saying “No, no Christie…a moment on the lips is a lifetime on the hips.”

And in that moment…as saliva is pooling in my mouth…I hate “Angel Me.” Frankly, I find her incredibly boring and majorly unfun, with a perpetual pole stuck up her ass (like her sister how sits atop my Christmas tree.)

Then I look to my left shoulder, and there looking phat (no…not “fat”) and happy is “Devil Me,” dancing Gangnam Style…laughing and having a grand old time. She looks at me and says, “Have the damn Tower of Onion Rings girlfriend…you only live once! Life’s too short. We all die someday and no one is going to give a shit if you have an extra ten pounds on while you’re laying stiff in the coffin. But what they WILL remember is that you were FUN! CAREFREE! And not a stick in the mud like Nancy No-Sin over there!”

Of course, all of this happens in a matter of seconds as I wait for the rest of my family to order. I take a quick assessment of the rest of the crowd at the restaurant and realize that my fellow fried food feasters all look incredibly happy! They’re smiling and laughing and trying to get their sulking, salad-eating, carb-starved table buddy to do the same!

And then it hit me…Jesus and his disciples broke bread at the last supper! Jesus ate carbs and asked that his devoted followers do the same! At the moment, my husband pulled me from my reverie and said…

“For the love of God, Christie…will you order already!”

To which I replied excitedly…

“Yes! Yes! Exactly! For it is for the love of God that I will prove my devotion and order the Tower of Onion Rings and bottomless basket of fries! And bring me a glass of wine too!”

Amen!

(Do you think Jesus had Tums?)

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The Best 80’s Movie Quotes of all Time (or at least…in my opinion)

I ask you…has there been a decade for cult classic movies quite like the 80’s?

Sure, we looked like neon-clad linebackers (thanks to shoulder pads) with bad hair…but damn…did we have some kick ass movies during that time. See if you can name the 80s classics movies from whichew these famous quotes originated…(answers below)

1. “Oh, he’s very popular Ed. The sportos, the motorheads, geeks, sluts, bloods, wastoids,   dweebies, dickheads – they all adore him. They think he’s a righteous dude.”

2. “Son, your ego’s writing checks your body can’t cash.”

3. “Hello! My name is Inigo Montoya. You killed my father. Prepare to die.”

4. “No more yanky my wanky. The Donger need food!”

5. “Does Barry Manilow know you raid his wardrobe?”

6. “Beuller? Beuller? Beuller?”

7. “Ray, if someone asks you if you are a god, you say “Yes!”

8. “Wax on, wax off.”

9. “Yippee-ki-yay, motherf***er!”

10. “Nobody puts Baby in a corner.”

11. “I feel the need…the need for speed.”

12. “They’re hhhhheeeerrrreeee.”

13. “Sometimes, you gotta say…’what the f#ck’!”

14. “Life moves pretty fast. You don’t stop and look around once in a while, you could miss it.”

15. “I’ll be back.” 

16. “I’m not gonna be ignored Dan!”

17. “Strange things are afoot at the Circle K.”

18. “If my calculations are correct, when this baby hits eighty-eight miles per hour… you’re gonna see some serious shit.” 

19. “Lighten up Francis”

20. “What is your major malfunction, numbnuts? Didn’t Mommy and Daddy show you enough attention when you were a child?”

21. “Yes, it’s true. This man has no dick.”

22. “Lunch is for wimps.” 

23. “I gave her my heart, she gave me a pen.”

Answers: (1) Ferris Beuller’s Day Off, (2) Top Gun, (3) The Princess Bride, (4) Sixteen Candles, (5) The Breakfast Club, (6) Ferris Beuller’s Day Off, (7) Ghostbusters, (8) The Karate Kid, (9) Die Hard, (10) Dirty Dancing, (11) Top Gun, (12) Poltergeist, (13) Risky Business, (14) Ferris Beuller’s Day Off, (15) Terminator, (16) Fatal Attraction, (17) Bill and Ted’s Excellent Adventure, (18) Back to the Future, (19) Stripes, (20) Full Metal Jacket, (21) Ghostbuster, (22) Wallstreet, (23) Say Anything

Eating Healthy is for the Birds (because I feel like I’m eating like one)

I want to live in a world where carbs are king, beer has metabolic enhancing qualities and Reeces is an official food group.

But until then…

My husband came home the other day to find our kitchen looking like the junk food section of the grocery store. The counters and table were covered with every delectable, sugary cereal known to man, Pop Tarts of every variety and “granola bars” that could rival the calorie and fat content of a Snickers any day of the week. Basically…it was like standing at the threshold of heaven.

“What the hell is going on in here?” my husband asked.

My three kids were standing amid the mess, devising a plan to export the “contraband” to the safety of their rooms.

“She’s been at it all day,” replied my son. “You should have seen what was in my cereal bowl this morning. I felt like I was eating the mulch.”

“It was a healthy bowl of high fiber cereal,” I yelled from the pantry. “You’ll grow to like it.”

“Oh geez,” moaned my husband. “Is this because of the weight you gained on vacation?”

There was a collective gasp in the room.

“Way to go dad,” said soon-to-be college bound daughter. “Now she’s really gonna go batshit crazy. Oh well…at least I’m out of here in a week.”

And then it hit him…his ritual of potato chips, recliner and Fox News in the evening might be in jeopardy.

“The potato chips?” he asked, hopeful.

“They’re gone,” said my youngest, shaking her head sadly, as if referring to the passengers on the Titanic.

“Here,” I said, as I threw a bag of rice cakes at him. “These are much healthier than those chips.”

“But I like to eat my chips,” he said. I gave him the stink eye until he took a bite.

“Ugh,” he said. “What a crock to call these rice ‘cakes’…there’s nothing cake-like about these. It’s like eating packing peanuts or the cardboard box they came in.”

He threw a bite down to the dog, who took a whiff and then turned her nose up to look at him, as if to say, “What the f*ck? Where’s my Snausage?”

I sat the four of them down at the kitchen table, with me at the head of it and I spoke to them of my quest to convert our junk and fast food loving family into vitamin taking, exercising, broccoli loving health nuts…

“While I trust that you will give this the good old fashioned college try…one of you will betray me…”

All eyes went to my husband, who was attempting to stash a few Chips Ahoy cookies into his suit pocket.

“What?” he said. “There’s starving people in China!”

“There’s starving people in this house,” said my son. “Can’t a dude get a simple bologna and cheese sandwich? I opened the fridge for a piece of cheese ended up with a mouthful of tofu!”

“What is tofu anyway?” asked my daugther. And before I could answer, my son had Googled it on his phone…

“Eeeewwwww…it’s made from curdled soy milk!” exclaimed my son.

“It is actually very good for you and you’ll see how good it can taste tonight when I make a tofu and veggie stir fry in the new wok I bought,” I said.

“Well it looks like spackle,” said my son, disgusted.

“That’s it,” said my husband pushing back from the table. “Who wants to go to Skyline?”

“Judas!” I yelled at my husband as he and my turncoat children made their way to the door. “Don’t blame me when your teeth rot and you can’t even fit into your fat pants anymore! At least my ass won’t need it’s own time zone!”

I heard the car back down the driveway as I sat alone at my kitchen table staring into the happy face of Cap ‘n Crunch. Then I went to the pantry and looked at the skinny bitch on the box of the “healthy” cereal.

Yep…the Captain looked much happier.

“Oh piss on it,” I said as I grabbed my cell phone and dialed my husband.

“Pick me up a couple cheese coneys.”

I felt better already.

 

 

 

NCIS…DiNozzo’s Many Names for McGee

If you were to walk into my house at any given time, you’re likely to find the TV playing NCIS, Law & Order: SVU or Criminal Minds reruns (that is…when I’m not watching True Blood or Vampire Diaries. I know…vampire shows. I don’t get my obsession either…cold, pale, brooding dudes are not really my thing. I’m more for the nicely tanned, warm variety with a sense of humor. Shit…maybe I’m anemic.)

Anyway, I toggle between USA Network, A&E and Cloo. I can’t get enough of these shows – especially NCIS’s Anthony DiNozzo…he’s cute, he’s snarky and he has a penchant for calling fellow agent, Timothy McGee “Mc-something” insulting!

Check out this McGee Nickname montage:

 

 

Mama goes to Jamaica and Sleeps with a Bloodsucker

I never knew his name.

But I called him Salvatore.

He was a squat, little guy…but fierce as hell.

He always traveled with an entourage – his type apparently believe there’s safety in numbers. He and his band of bloodsuckers would wait until the cover of darkness to visit my hotel room…hiding under the bed, until just the right moment…leaving his signature bite marks for all to see the next day.

But as fate would have it…what Salvatore really wanted…was not me…but my husband…as evidenced by this picture, taken “the morning after” the vicious assault.

The midnight “all you can eat” mosquito buffet (aka my husband’s elbow)…his other arm and both knee caps looked much the same!

 

 

I swear I saw Salvatore in the corner of the room smoking a cigarette while my husband and I gaped at his wounds.

Hopefully, Salvatore wore his “fat pants” that night.

We couldn’t figure out how I, lying right next to my husband, didn’t get a single bite…perhaps it was the staunch German blood that was what Salvatore and his gang couldn’t resist.

Or maybe they had a penchant for Cuban cigars and cheap scotch.

I don’t know what ever happened to Salvatore…perhaps he succumbed to the noxious fumes he had sprayed in our room the night after he violated my husband (which resulted in a trip to the Jamaican doctor, a Cortizone shot and a prescription for oral steroids.)

Or maybe he staggered out the hotel that night and is lying on a Jamaican beach somewhere regaling a crowd of sand fleas with his tale of “The Great Feast.”

Regardless…my night with the bloodsucker is one we’ll never forget.

 

Mama Goes to the Vet…Can Obamacare apply to pets?

So, I’m at the vet waiting on medicine for one of my dogs (honesty, my two older dogs take more medication than my 90-year-old grandma) – can Obamacare be extended to pets?

Anyway, so I’m sitting across from this lady who was sniffling…clearly crying. The vet tech comes out and says, “Snickers is going to be fine. He has a kidney condition and you’ll just need to continue the medication and monitor him. Just give me a second and I’ll bring him out so you can go home.”

The woman, clearly releaved, said, “Oh…I just knew something was wrong. He was hardly opening his eyes and he seemed to be in so much pain. I will definitely keep a close watch on him…should I bring him in for a recheck?”

At which point the vet tech was back with Snickers…WHO WAS A HAMSTER!!!!!

A FREAKIN’ HAMSTER!!!!! With a kidney condition!!!!

What are they, like $10 a piece? Can you say cat food??? Get another damn hamster lady and call it a day!

Which brings me to the point of today’s blog…how much do we love our pets? I love my pets…but I do have my limits…

My “babies”

This is Murphy…my 11-year-old cockapoo with a perpetual gas problem. (We “adopted” her after my mom died…well actually, I think we agreed to watch her for a weekend when my dad went out of town and he just never took her back!) Anyway, Murphy’s farts notoriously clear a room and have come in quite handy when we need lingering guests to go the hell home…we just give her a few raw hide chew sticks a few hours before and then strategically place her under the coffee table when it’s time to call it a night then wait. Finally there’s a “ppppffffttttt…” and then viola…everyone goes home.

Murphy is unfortunately NOT the picture of health. She’s had a cancerous growth removed from her face, an enlarged heart, high liver enzymes, fatty tumors all over her body, Cushings disease and just recently…an ear hematoma that was surgically removed.

cha ching.

This is my other dog, Heidi…a 12-year-old Bichon, a.k.a “the great white ‘ho’!”

Heidi is a sweet dog with a penchant for rolling over on her back and peeing on herself when people go to pet her. She has a perpetual sinus condition that causes her to make a Felix Unger/goose honking noise whenever we go on a walk. Not surprisingly…she’s fat because no one except me wants to walk her and endure the embarrassment of all of the stares at the fat, honking dog who stops to crap or pee in every other yard.

Heidi is allergic to EVERYTHING…and when I say EVERYTHING…I truly mean everything and so requires special food and allergy shots. She has two ruptured discs in her neck and takes daily steriods and pain killers. If we choose to try to “fix” the disc problem…it’s $6,000 with no guarantees.

Double cha ching.

In a momentary lapse of reason, we got a third dog…Izzy – a 1-year-old maltipoo.

Izzy has a penchant for humping a stuffed cat twice her size and for chewing apart flip flops, makeup brushes and tampons.

Knock on wood…the only “problems” Izzy’s faced is the occasional dingleberry stuck in her fur.

Heidi is completely pissed about Izzy’s very existence. I’ve seen her (Heidi) lurking a little to close to the edge of the pool…likely contemplating suicide by drowning (she can’t swim as proven by the time to fell into the pool and proceeded to sink to the bottom.) Murph, on the other hand, seems to enjoy her.

We’re anticipating some tough decisions with the older two in months to come and in an economy like the one we find ourselves in and a daugther heading off to college, it makes it even more difficult.

How far will we be willing to go to keep them around? Chemotherapy? Back surgery? Hormone replacement?

After all, though we love them, they are dogs. I mean…at the end of the day, there is a pecking order and we do have priorities…kids in college, future weddings…

Lipo for Mama.