Awful and Extra Cheesy Pick Up Lines

cheeseballThis week on Modern Family…Phil and Claire were trying to have a romantic time at a bar:

Phil: “Did it hurt?”
Claire: “Did what hurt?”
Phil: “When you fell from heaven?”

Or how about Cam (I love him) to Mitchell:

“Do you believe in love at first sight or do I need to walk in again?”

From Phil or Cam, it was cute. If some guy tried that on me, I’d have to smack him!

How about some pick up lines guaranteed to keep you single for a LONG time…

Just plain cheesy

Do you have a library card? Because I’m checkin’ you out!
Are you a parking ticket? ‘Cuz you’ve got fine written all over you!
Can I have directions? (“Where?”) To your heart!
Are you feet tired? ‘Cuz you’ve been running through my mind all day!
Is there an airport nearyby or is that just my heart taking off?
I hope there’s a fireman around ‘cuz you’re smokin’!
You must be in the wrong place…the Miss Universe contest is over there!
Are you from Tennessee? ‘Cuz you’re the only ten I see!

Somewhat sexual but equally cheesy


Was your dad a baker? ‘Cuz you got the nicesst set of buns I’ve ever seen!
You turn my software into hardware
Hi…I have big feet!
Did you wash your clothes with Windex ‘cuz I see me in your pants!
The word of the day is legs…let’s go back to my house and spread the word!
Does this rag smell like chloroform to you?
What’s a nice girl like you doing in a dirty mind like mine?
I may not be Fred Flintstone, but I can still make your bed rock!

New Year’s Resolutions can Suck It

homer_simpson_angels_and_demons-11209I’ve been on my annual downward spiral into “holy shit…I’ve gained 10 pounds” hell since Halloween that will continue until after Easter, at which point the “holy shit…I have to get into a swim suit” in two months will set in…at which time I will purge the pantry and refrigerator of all things glorious and tasty and replace them all things that taste like cardboard and packing peanuts.

It’s not that I don’t try, it’s just that I have the willpower of a kid in a candy shop. For example, in the beginning of January – when I am supposed to be “eating healthy” – the family decides they want to go to Red Robin (a.k.a. the place where fried is king and cholesterol has is driving the party bus right into your heart arteries). I see the Tower of Onion Rings on the menu. I pause and look to my right shoulder where the skinny-assed “Angel Me” is waving her boney-ass finger in my face and shaking her head saying “No, no Christie…a moment on the lips is a lifetime on the hips.”

And in that moment…as saliva is pooling in my mouth…I hate “Angel Me.” Frankly, I find her incredibly boring and majorly unfun, with a perpetual pole stuck up her ass (like her sister how sits atop my Christmas tree.)

Then I look to my left shoulder, and there looking phat (no…not “fat”) and happy is “Devil Me,” dancing Gangnam Style…laughing and having a grand old time. She looks at me and says, “Have the damn Tower of Onion Rings girlfriend…you only live once! Life’s too short. We all die someday and no one is going to give a shit if you have an extra ten pounds on while you’re laying stiff in the coffin. But what they WILL remember is that you were FUN! CAREFREE! And not a stick in the mud like Nancy No-Sin over there!”

Of course, all of this happens in a matter of seconds as I wait for the rest of my family to order. I take a quick assessment of the rest of the crowd at the restaurant and realize that my fellow fried food feasters all look incredibly happy! They’re smiling and laughing and trying to get their sulking, salad-eating, carb-starved table buddy to do the same!

And then it hit me…Jesus and his disciples broke bread at the last supper! Jesus ate carbs and asked that his devoted followers do the same! At the moment, my husband pulled me from my reverie and said…

“For the love of God, Christie…will you order already!”

To which I replied excitedly…

“Yes! Yes! Exactly! For it is for the love of God that I will prove my devotion and order the Tower of Onion Rings and bottomless basket of fries! And bring me a glass of wine too!”

Amen!

(Do you think Jesus had Tums?)

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Eating Healthy is for the Birds (because I feel like I’m eating like one)

I want to live in a world where carbs are king, beer has metabolic enhancing qualities and Reeces is an official food group.

But until then…

My husband came home the other day to find our kitchen looking like the junk food section of the grocery store. The counters and table were covered with every delectable, sugary cereal known to man, Pop Tarts of every variety and “granola bars” that could rival the calorie and fat content of a Snickers any day of the week. Basically…it was like standing at the threshold of heaven.

“What the hell is going on in here?” my husband asked.

My three kids were standing amid the mess, devising a plan to export the “contraband” to the safety of their rooms.

“She’s been at it all day,” replied my son. “You should have seen what was in my cereal bowl this morning. I felt like I was eating the mulch.”

“It was a healthy bowl of high fiber cereal,” I yelled from the pantry. “You’ll grow to like it.”

“Oh geez,” moaned my husband. “Is this because of the weight you gained on vacation?”

There was a collective gasp in the room.

“Way to go dad,” said soon-to-be college bound daughter. “Now she’s really gonna go batshit crazy. Oh well…at least I’m out of here in a week.”

And then it hit him…his ritual of potato chips, recliner and Fox News in the evening might be in jeopardy.

“The potato chips?” he asked, hopeful.

“They’re gone,” said my youngest, shaking her head sadly, as if referring to the passengers on the Titanic.

“Here,” I said, as I threw a bag of rice cakes at him. “These are much healthier than those chips.”

“But I like to eat my chips,” he said. I gave him the stink eye until he took a bite.

“Ugh,” he said. “What a crock to call these rice ‘cakes’…there’s nothing cake-like about these. It’s like eating packing peanuts or the cardboard box they came in.”

He threw a bite down to the dog, who took a whiff and then turned her nose up to look at him, as if to say, “What the f*ck? Where’s my Snausage?”

I sat the four of them down at the kitchen table, with me at the head of it and I spoke to them of my quest to convert our junk and fast food loving family into vitamin taking, exercising, broccoli loving health nuts…

“While I trust that you will give this the good old fashioned college try…one of you will betray me…”

All eyes went to my husband, who was attempting to stash a few Chips Ahoy cookies into his suit pocket.

“What?” he said. “There’s starving people in China!”

“There’s starving people in this house,” said my son. “Can’t a dude get a simple bologna and cheese sandwich? I opened the fridge for a piece of cheese ended up with a mouthful of tofu!”

“What is tofu anyway?” asked my daugther. And before I could answer, my son had Googled it on his phone…

“Eeeewwwww…it’s made from curdled soy milk!” exclaimed my son.

“It is actually very good for you and you’ll see how good it can taste tonight when I make a tofu and veggie stir fry in the new wok I bought,” I said.

“Well it looks like spackle,” said my son, disgusted.

“That’s it,” said my husband pushing back from the table. “Who wants to go to Skyline?”

“Judas!” I yelled at my husband as he and my turncoat children made their way to the door. “Don’t blame me when your teeth rot and you can’t even fit into your fat pants anymore! At least my ass won’t need it’s own time zone!”

I heard the car back down the driveway as I sat alone at my kitchen table staring into the happy face of Cap ‘n Crunch. Then I went to the pantry and looked at the skinny bitch on the box of the “healthy” cereal.

Yep…the Captain looked much happier.

“Oh piss on it,” I said as I grabbed my cell phone and dialed my husband.

“Pick me up a couple cheese coneys.”

I felt better already.

 

 

 

Mama goes to Jamaica and Sleeps with a Bloodsucker

I never knew his name.

But I called him Salvatore.

He was a squat, little guy…but fierce as hell.

He always traveled with an entourage – his type apparently believe there’s safety in numbers. He and his band of bloodsuckers would wait until the cover of darkness to visit my hotel room…hiding under the bed, until just the right moment…leaving his signature bite marks for all to see the next day.

But as fate would have it…what Salvatore really wanted…was not me…but my husband…as evidenced by this picture, taken “the morning after” the vicious assault.

The midnight “all you can eat” mosquito buffet (aka my husband’s elbow)…his other arm and both knee caps looked much the same!

 

 

I swear I saw Salvatore in the corner of the room smoking a cigarette while my husband and I gaped at his wounds.

Hopefully, Salvatore wore his “fat pants” that night.

We couldn’t figure out how I, lying right next to my husband, didn’t get a single bite…perhaps it was the staunch German blood that was what Salvatore and his gang couldn’t resist.

Or maybe they had a penchant for Cuban cigars and cheap scotch.

I don’t know what ever happened to Salvatore…perhaps he succumbed to the noxious fumes he had sprayed in our room the night after he violated my husband (which resulted in a trip to the Jamaican doctor, a Cortizone shot and a prescription for oral steroids.)

Or maybe he staggered out the hotel that night and is lying on a Jamaican beach somewhere regaling a crowd of sand fleas with his tale of “The Great Feast.”

Regardless…my night with the bloodsucker is one we’ll never forget.

 

Mamma Goes to the Hustler Store

*STOP*

If you’re easily offended…this blog post is NOT for you (but frankly…it should be!)

So, my book club was having our own “50 Shades of Grey” party and, in the spirit of the book, decided to have a “naughty gift exchange”. Since most of us weren’t sex toy savvy, I decided it warranted a trip to the local sex store: Hustler.

Thank you Larry Flynt.

I am not ashamed. I am not embarrassed to have ventured where no missionary position-loving mamma has gone before. I went forth bravely into the world of SEX paraphernalia and emerged with a frequent buyer card.

Okay…maybe not the frequent buyer card.

Here’s a first hand account of the Hustler Store experience (along with some “helpful hints” for Larry)

First…They need an “incognito entrance” for those of us who, while not ashamed to be there, don’t want to advertise to the outlet mall crowd (which is right across the street) that we’re shopping there! It’s right off the outlet mall exit at Monroe and FACES THE ROAD!!!

So, I walked in and was relieved to discover that it wasn’t as “seedy” as I thought it would be. I was greeted by two perky younger girls who said, “Hi hon…what can we help you with today?”

Oh…the myriad ways I could have answered that question! But I left it with, “Oh…I’m just browsing”…so I looked like an even bigger weirdo. I’m guessing not many people drive all the way to the Hustler Store just to “browse”…if you’re there…you usually have a distinct purchase in mind!

Anyway…OMG!!! For a novice…one wouldn’t even know where to begin! Which leads me to my second recommendation for Larry…

A “Self-diddle” Dabbler section for those who want to “try” self-gratification but don’t want to commit the big bucks yet! And let me tell you…the “high quality” toys aint cheap. The ones that are?…You’d probably do just as well with your garden variety cucumber.

One thing I was especially curious to check out were “the balls” that Christian and Anastasia used in the book. You remember – when she had them in while they were at the gala at his parent house and she nearly had a “When Harry Met Sally” orgasm moment several times over??? I had to check it out for myself. Here they are…

In reality…they’re about the size of marbles. How in the hell is THAT going to give me pleasure? In theory…what goes up (as in the balls) must come down…right? But shoved up my “anatomical bridge to nowhere” that served as a birth canal three times over, they’d go up and be blown out my nose hours later.

So I asked the store lady: “How in the hell do you know that you’ll ever get these out?”

Store lady: “Well…frankly…that concerns me too so I recommend the balls that are attached to a little cord…kinda like a tampon, for easy ‘retrieval’.”  (Hhhmmm…I may have to live with loose Kegels and peeing when I laugh)…

So, fyou could get these…”Magic 8 Balls”

I don’t know about you, but my pelvic muscles already feel tighter. And the added benefit? Feeling a little doubtful about how he’s feeling about you? Shove these puppies in, ask a question, jump up and down and few times, pull them out and viola…you’ll have your answer!

They had rows of porn movies, fetish paraphernalia (whips, handcuffs, riding crops, gags…I could think of several non-sexual uses for these!) and entire wall dedicated to your ass. After hitting this section of the store, my butt cheeks were permanently clenched.

For example…”The Booty Rocker”…

Honestly, I could anchor my light up, outdoor Santa with this thing. Who buys this stuff????

I must be old…I have enough trouble keeping things coming OUT of that orifice!

And for your vibrating pleasure…you too can have a Soraya Black for a mere $200…

$200??? Is it turbo charged??? 200 horse power so when this puppy comes on you can “ride” it like Seabiscuit??!!! With vibration like that, my 44-year-old insides would be permanently rearranged with my ovaries in my armpits.

They even had a table dedicated to “50 Shades of Grey” and “toys” that were mentioned in the books themselves. In the end, for our “naughty gift exchange”, I bought handcuffs made out of candy (a la the candy necklaces of yore) and a “pocket” vibrator in the shape of a bunny…

Now that’s something every women wants stuffed in HER Easter basket!!

50 Shades of Grey…Creating 40-year-old “Femme Fatales” One Chapter at a Time

So, my book club is reading 50 Shades of Grey this month. Of course, I’m already on book 3 – 50 Shades Freed but that’s for another day.

Anyway, in order to get into the spirit of the book that has changed the way married couples have sex, I decided to incorporate a “Naughty Gift Exchange” into our usual over dinner discussion. Everyone was to go out and buy a…ahem…”toy” to wrap up and exchange at some point in the evening.

It went over like a french kiss at a family reunion.

Why??? I don’t get it. Everyone is jumping on the BDSM bandwagon, as evidenced by a recent USA Today article entitled “Many chain stores now add a Toy aisle for adults”…

CVS, Walgreens, Kroger, Safeway, Target and Walmart are among major national chains that now include vibrators on store shelves. These devices (also known as personal massagers or vibes) have been around a long time, but their availability on the mass market is relatively new. Condom makers Trojan and Durex are among brands that have expanded product lines to include vibrators, starting with small vibrating rings. Durex launched its first handheld vibrator in 2008, Trojan in 2010.

“We’re talking about the Walgreens and CVSes of the world — not the dot-coms and sex shops and things of that nature,” says Durex senior brand manager Alan Cheung of the U.S. headquarters in Parsippany, N.J.

So why isn’t anyone blushing?

With the erotic Fifty Shades trilogy still topping best-selling book lists and a movie (Hysteria) about the invention of the vibrator opening across the USA this week, the summer is starting out steamy. Sexperts cite a combination of factors, including marketing that targets average women. They also trace societal changes to 1998, when a Sex and the City episode broached the subject of vibrators. And in the early 2000s, Tupperware parties gave way to parties selling vibrators and sex toys.

“People are more comfortable than ever talking about vibrators and the idea of having one,” says Bruce Weiss, vice president of marketing for Trojan, based in Princeton, N.J.

Even the fact that vibrators are the focus of a feature film illustrates how times have changed. Hysteria is a period comedy set in 1880s London.

“Couples are less willing to tolerate lousy sex,” says sex therapist and clinical psychologist David Schnarch of Evergreen, Colo. “People have much higher expectations.”

I like to use the “Hotdog” analogy

Say that for 20+ years (the average length of time that most 40 something couples have been married) you ate nothing but a plain old hotdog on a bun…every night for dinner.

Even though you LOVE, LOVE, LOVE your hotdog…after 20+ years, it might start to get a little bland…but you eat it anyway because you still love it.

Then…one night…you introduce a little SPICEY MUSTARD…and viola! You’ve breathed new life into your beloved hotdog. It’s new…it’s fresh…it’s exciting! Then, you realize…your options are ENDLESS! You can add ketchup, relish…hell, even onion to your cherished hotdog and it just gets better and better.

Sometimes…you might even want to go back to the plain old hotdog because you’ve missed the simpicity of it. And that’s ok!

You just now know that you CAN teach an old “dog” new “tricks” (or in this case…”trick out” and old “dog”!)

50 Shades of Grey…the Later Years

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Alright…they – Anastasia and Christian – might be swingin’ naked from chandeliers now, but let’s check back in with them when they’re a middle-aged, “old” married couple…

The Sex Toys

Nipple clips Now that Ana has breastfed a few kids, she can tuck her boobs into her pants. So…she’s found a new use for Christian’s nipple clips…she uses them to pinch the saggy skin to lift her nipples up to where they should be!

Handcuffs Finding dad’s “stash” of handcuffs and blindfolds, Christan Jr…miffed that his little sister turned his Superhero lego tower into Barbie’s resort hotel…handcuffed her to the toilet and flushed the key.

Vibrator While playing dress ups in mom’s closet, little girl Grey came across mom’s vibrating “back massager” and took it to her next slumber party

Butt plugs The only butt plugs in the Grey household are “natural” ones resulting from a lack of fiber in their diet

Habits that Were Once Thought Cute and Sexy but are Now Annoying as Sh#t

Ana’s lower lip biting: 

Christian: “Are ya hungry? Because you’re chewing your f-ing lip like it’s frickin filet mignon!”

Christian wearing his sweatpants so they hang “just so” off his hips:

Ana: “For God sake Marky Mark…get some pants that frickin’ fit.”

Christian tilting his head to the side “just so”

Ana: “Hey Horatio Caine (CSI: Miami)…ya got a kink in your neck or something?”