Awful and Extra Cheesy Pick Up Lines

cheeseballThis week on Modern Family…Phil and Claire were trying to have a romantic time at a bar:

Phil: “Did it hurt?”
Claire: “Did what hurt?”
Phil: “When you fell from heaven?”

Or how about Cam (I love him) to Mitchell:

“Do you believe in love at first sight or do I need to walk in again?”

From Phil or Cam, it was cute. If some guy tried that on me, I’d have to smack him!

How about some pick up lines guaranteed to keep you single for a LONG time…

Just plain cheesy

Do you have a library card? Because I’m checkin’ you out!
Are you a parking ticket? ‘Cuz you’ve got fine written all over you!
Can I have directions? (“Where?”) To your heart!
Are you feet tired? ‘Cuz you’ve been running through my mind all day!
Is there an airport nearyby or is that just my heart taking off?
I hope there’s a fireman around ‘cuz you’re smokin’!
You must be in the wrong place…the Miss Universe contest is over there!
Are you from Tennessee? ‘Cuz you’re the only ten I see!

Somewhat sexual but equally cheesy


Was your dad a baker? ‘Cuz you got the nicesst set of buns I’ve ever seen!
You turn my software into hardware
Hi…I have big feet!
Did you wash your clothes with Windex ‘cuz I see me in your pants!
The word of the day is legs…let’s go back to my house and spread the word!
Does this rag smell like chloroform to you?
What’s a nice girl like you doing in a dirty mind like mine?
I may not be Fred Flintstone, but I can still make your bed rock!

oscar-statueEvery year I say I’m going to do it and I never do. And no, I’m not talking about losing 10 pounds, alphabetizing my spice rack or Botoxing my underarms so I stop looking like my pits spit up at the most inopportune times.

No…I’m talking about seeing every movie up for a Best Picture Oscar…BEFORE the Oscars are awarded.

Just when I was getting close to accomplishing my goal, the Academy decided it would be a great idea to double the number of films up for best picture. Why???? Was it not more of an honor if you were one of the five nominated? Only one picture still wins…I don’t get it. But, it is what it is.

So, here are this year’s nominees:

Amour
Life of Pi
Argo
Lincoln
Silver Linings Playbook
Beasts of the Southern Wild
Les Miserables
Django Unchained
Zero Dark Thirty

Two that strike me as ones I won’t be thrilled to see: Amour and Beasts of the Southern Wild. I haven’t even seen them in theaters…not a good sign (at least my attention span). But I’m committed.

So, pathetically, I have only seen one to date: Les Miserables. Here is my Review…

lesmisLes Miserables

This was one of my absolute favorite Broadway productions. I LOVED it! So, the movie had a lot to live up to. First…let’s start with how in the hell to properly pronounce it so that you can look intelligent and in the know when you discuss the movie while drowing your sorrows in a drink (because that’s what you’ll feel like doing after seeing it.)

The correct pronunciation is: Lay Mee-say-hrabl
For the end part…pretend that you are about to clear a giant hocker from your throat and then immediately follow that with a rah-bl. Or just say Lay-Miz like the rest of us and be done with it.

So…in short…I LOVED it. Though I had a strange urge to take a shower and clean under my fingernails the whole time.
What was great about it: The songs of course. Anne Hathaway singing I Dreamed a Dream was of course, AMAZING. And the fact that she did that scene in one take is truly unbelievable. Also, the little girl how played young Cosette…I thought was a great singing “Castle on a Cloud”
What I hated: Anytime Russell Crowe opened his mouth to sing. Great in his role as Javert…AWFUL at singing. Maybe this is where seeing the stage production hurt the movie for me. The man who played Javert on stage had such a deep, bellowing voice. Russell Crowe, to me, just seemed dull and flat when he sang and found it somewhat distracting. When he sang his swan song…let’s just say I found myself thinking, “Oh for God sake, just jump already and put us all out of our misery.”
What I absolutely LOVED about it: Any scene that Sacha Baron Cohen was in. When I first heard he was in it , I thought, “What? Really? Borat is in Les Mis?” But let me tell you…he and Helena Bonham Carter steal the show. Cohen in particular is hysterical and a MUCH needed comic relief…without it, you may have found yourself making yourself choke on your bucket of popcorn.
What was a negative about it: It is LOOOOOONNNNNNGGGGGG. Even if you love, love, love the music. It is long. At times I found myself drifting off, thinking about the many ways to torture the butthead behind me kicking my seat. The singing of every line, though I know that is the point of this type of show, I found tedious sometimes.

But all in all, it was AWESOME and Oscar worthy. I give it a champagne flute salute!

In fact, I found myself singing my parental frustration to my kids (imagine this to the tune of “Call Me Maybe”): “You’re all spoiled brats, you make me crazy…you’re so grounded…and you’re lazy!”

Next up: Zero Dark Thirty

What Were They Thinking? Completely Inappropriate Halloween Costumes

So, while looking up different ideas for Halloween costumes, I came across these pics of kids in ubelievable costumes. I am no prude, but even I thought a few of them definitely muddied the waters between funny and disturbing. Enjoy…

This first one is my personal favorite…as if the costumes themselves aren’t bad enough, the little girl checking out her a dad’s costume “accessory” is just plain WRONG!

 

The Best 80’s Movie Quotes of all Time (or at least…in my opinion)

I ask you…has there been a decade for cult classic movies quite like the 80’s?

Sure, we looked like neon-clad linebackers (thanks to shoulder pads) with bad hair…but damn…did we have some kick ass movies during that time. See if you can name the 80s classics movies from whichew these famous quotes originated…(answers below)

1. “Oh, he’s very popular Ed. The sportos, the motorheads, geeks, sluts, bloods, wastoids,   dweebies, dickheads – they all adore him. They think he’s a righteous dude.”

2. “Son, your ego’s writing checks your body can’t cash.”

3. “Hello! My name is Inigo Montoya. You killed my father. Prepare to die.”

4. “No more yanky my wanky. The Donger need food!”

5. “Does Barry Manilow know you raid his wardrobe?”

6. “Beuller? Beuller? Beuller?”

7. “Ray, if someone asks you if you are a god, you say “Yes!”

8. “Wax on, wax off.”

9. “Yippee-ki-yay, motherf***er!”

10. “Nobody puts Baby in a corner.”

11. “I feel the need…the need for speed.”

12. “They’re hhhhheeeerrrreeee.”

13. “Sometimes, you gotta say…’what the f#ck’!”

14. “Life moves pretty fast. You don’t stop and look around once in a while, you could miss it.”

15. “I’ll be back.” 

16. “I’m not gonna be ignored Dan!”

17. “Strange things are afoot at the Circle K.”

18. “If my calculations are correct, when this baby hits eighty-eight miles per hour… you’re gonna see some serious shit.” 

19. “Lighten up Francis”

20. “What is your major malfunction, numbnuts? Didn’t Mommy and Daddy show you enough attention when you were a child?”

21. “Yes, it’s true. This man has no dick.”

22. “Lunch is for wimps.” 

23. “I gave her my heart, she gave me a pen.”

Answers: (1) Ferris Beuller’s Day Off, (2) Top Gun, (3) The Princess Bride, (4) Sixteen Candles, (5) The Breakfast Club, (6) Ferris Beuller’s Day Off, (7) Ghostbusters, (8) The Karate Kid, (9) Die Hard, (10) Dirty Dancing, (11) Top Gun, (12) Poltergeist, (13) Risky Business, (14) Ferris Beuller’s Day Off, (15) Terminator, (16) Fatal Attraction, (17) Bill and Ted’s Excellent Adventure, (18) Back to the Future, (19) Stripes, (20) Full Metal Jacket, (21) Ghostbuster, (22) Wallstreet, (23) Say Anything

NCIS…DiNozzo’s Many Names for McGee

If you were to walk into my house at any given time, you’re likely to find the TV playing NCIS, Law & Order: SVU or Criminal Minds reruns (that is…when I’m not watching True Blood or Vampire Diaries. I know…vampire shows. I don’t get my obsession either…cold, pale, brooding dudes are not really my thing. I’m more for the nicely tanned, warm variety with a sense of humor. Shit…maybe I’m anemic.)

Anyway, I toggle between USA Network, A&E and Cloo. I can’t get enough of these shows – especially NCIS’s Anthony DiNozzo…he’s cute, he’s snarky and he has a penchant for calling fellow agent, Timothy McGee “Mc-something” insulting!

Check out this McGee Nickname montage:

 

 

Mamma Goes to the Hustler Store

*STOP*

If you’re easily offended…this blog post is NOT for you (but frankly…it should be!)

So, my book club was having our own “50 Shades of Grey” party and, in the spirit of the book, decided to have a “naughty gift exchange”. Since most of us weren’t sex toy savvy, I decided it warranted a trip to the local sex store: Hustler.

Thank you Larry Flynt.

I am not ashamed. I am not embarrassed to have ventured where no missionary position-loving mamma has gone before. I went forth bravely into the world of SEX paraphernalia and emerged with a frequent buyer card.

Okay…maybe not the frequent buyer card.

Here’s a first hand account of the Hustler Store experience (along with some “helpful hints” for Larry)

First…They need an “incognito entrance” for those of us who, while not ashamed to be there, don’t want to advertise to the outlet mall crowd (which is right across the street) that we’re shopping there! It’s right off the outlet mall exit at Monroe and FACES THE ROAD!!!

So, I walked in and was relieved to discover that it wasn’t as “seedy” as I thought it would be. I was greeted by two perky younger girls who said, “Hi hon…what can we help you with today?”

Oh…the myriad ways I could have answered that question! But I left it with, “Oh…I’m just browsing”…so I looked like an even bigger weirdo. I’m guessing not many people drive all the way to the Hustler Store just to “browse”…if you’re there…you usually have a distinct purchase in mind!

Anyway…OMG!!! For a novice…one wouldn’t even know where to begin! Which leads me to my second recommendation for Larry…

A “Self-diddle” Dabbler section for those who want to “try” self-gratification but don’t want to commit the big bucks yet! And let me tell you…the “high quality” toys aint cheap. The ones that are?…You’d probably do just as well with your garden variety cucumber.

One thing I was especially curious to check out were “the balls” that Christian and Anastasia used in the book. You remember – when she had them in while they were at the gala at his parent house and she nearly had a “When Harry Met Sally” orgasm moment several times over??? I had to check it out for myself. Here they are…

In reality…they’re about the size of marbles. How in the hell is THAT going to give me pleasure? In theory…what goes up (as in the balls) must come down…right? But shoved up my “anatomical bridge to nowhere” that served as a birth canal three times over, they’d go up and be blown out my nose hours later.

So I asked the store lady: “How in the hell do you know that you’ll ever get these out?”

Store lady: “Well…frankly…that concerns me too so I recommend the balls that are attached to a little cord…kinda like a tampon, for easy ‘retrieval’.”  (Hhhmmm…I may have to live with loose Kegels and peeing when I laugh)…

So, fyou could get these…”Magic 8 Balls”

I don’t know about you, but my pelvic muscles already feel tighter. And the added benefit? Feeling a little doubtful about how he’s feeling about you? Shove these puppies in, ask a question, jump up and down and few times, pull them out and viola…you’ll have your answer!

They had rows of porn movies, fetish paraphernalia (whips, handcuffs, riding crops, gags…I could think of several non-sexual uses for these!) and entire wall dedicated to your ass. After hitting this section of the store, my butt cheeks were permanently clenched.

For example…”The Booty Rocker”…

Honestly, I could anchor my light up, outdoor Santa with this thing. Who buys this stuff????

I must be old…I have enough trouble keeping things coming OUT of that orifice!

And for your vibrating pleasure…you too can have a Soraya Black for a mere $200…

$200??? Is it turbo charged??? 200 horse power so when this puppy comes on you can “ride” it like Seabiscuit??!!! With vibration like that, my 44-year-old insides would be permanently rearranged with my ovaries in my armpits.

They even had a table dedicated to “50 Shades of Grey” and “toys” that were mentioned in the books themselves. In the end, for our “naughty gift exchange”, I bought handcuffs made out of candy (a la the candy necklaces of yore) and a “pocket” vibrator in the shape of a bunny…

Now that’s something every women wants stuffed in HER Easter basket!!

The Best Revenge: Dentist Pulls out All of Her Ex-Boyfriend’s Teeth

Revenge is a dish best served cold…

…and mushy…

That is, if you’re the ex-boyfriend of Polish dentist Dr. Anna Mackowiak.

This ladies, is an AWESOME story of sweet revenge!

 

From “Stud” to “Sockpuppet”

Shortly after dumping the good dentist for another woman, Marek Olszewski (aka “Dickface”) went to see his ex-lover, complaining of a toothache. (* Were there no other dentists to see???)

Dr. Mackowiak happily agreed to see him, apparently seizing an excellent opportunity to show him how much he “bites” as a boyfriend, lover and human being in general.

So, he plopped his cheating ass in her chair, she dosed him up with massive amounts of anesthesia, and then proceeded to pull out his teeth, one glorious tooth at a time! Afterwards, she wrapped his head and jaw in gauze so that he couldn’t open his mouth, and told him that there had been complications and he needed to see a specialist.

Dr. Mackowiak’s explanation?

“I tried to be professional and detach myself from my emotions. But when I saw him lying there I just thought, ‘What a bastard’!”

Olszewski’s reaction? “When I got home, I looked in the mirror and couldn’t f#@king believe it! The bitch had emptied my mouth!”

The best part? Olszewski’s new lover left him because she didn’t want to be with a man who didn’t have any teeth!!!

Bbbbbaaaaaahhhhhhh  hhhhhaaaaaaaa!

Of course, as you’d expect, Dr. Mackowiak is being investigated for malpractice and could spend some time in jail.

 

 

But to jilted women everywhere…she ROCKS!