When “Show and Tell” Goes Horribly Wrong

So, I’m doing an article for the newspaper on an intermediate student winning a contest through Verizon Wireless. Her big prize? She gets to bring Cincinnati Bengal A.J.Green to school with her for the ultimate “Show and Tell!”

Pretty cool…huh?

So that got me thinking (being an elementary education major myself)…what embarrassing, crazy, will the make the parents want to change their names and move to an obscure town in the bowels of the Ozarks, stuff have kids brought in for “Show and Tell.” Here are some of the funniest ones (posted from real teachers!)…(Names have been excluded or changed to protect the identity of anyone involved!!)

  • Suzy brought in her mom’s personal “massager” and demonstrated on my back…to bad it was her mom’s VIBRATOR!
  • One time a student brought in a bed bug!
  • I had a kindergarten student bring his 3 year old brother to school; he wanted to show his brother the classroom; needless to say we had to call mom and wake her from sleeping!
  • I’ve heard of a student bringing grandma (in an urn)!
  • I had a Kindergarten student bring in Dad’s bong for show and tell…oops!
  • A little boy brought in a Franklin the turtle doll and then lifted his shirt to show how “it drinks milk from my nipples”. Yes, new baby in the home
  • Tampons. A student with Down’s Syndrome demonstrated how it could be a cigar, came in a spy glass, it had a little rope…
  • A kid brought me his Dads American Express card. He handed it to me and told me to buy myself a new dress.
  • I had a preschooler bring her cat in her backpack. Mom was not happy – luckily she discovered it before leaving. And for Special Day, one of my boys had his dad drive him to school in his backhoe. We all went outside to see it and watch the shovel go up and down!
  • A used pregancy test to show me the plus sign like we were learning in addition, a pan of brownies with the green stuff (marijuana) in them for snack (oops wrong ones was mom’s comment), and a “plastic cover for your finger” (condom) have all been brought into my room.
  • One student’s mom was an exotic dancer. He brought her tassels for show and tell.
  • Pink furry handcuffs from his parent’s bedroom…his mother was so embarrassed
  • One of my students brought in a huge slug, caged in an enclosure with a swingset, a slide, and monkeybars. Though it only visited for a short while, I get a chuckle when I think of that slug sliding down the slide…..
  • I had a first grader bring a dead bat in a ziploc container…then I found it again several months later when I “assisted” in desk cleaning!

A Beautiful Moment Between a Lion and his Cub…and the “before” pictures you didn’t see!

It is touching if I do say so myself.

Wildlife photographer Suzi Eszterhas did a fabulous job of capturing the moment when “father and son” met for the first time…

 

 

 

 

 

Awww…and this playful moment…

 

 

 

 

 

Of course, we’ll call him “Larry” Lion…he’s been out schleppin around the hood, terrorizing gazelles, probably humpin’ other lionesses, while Mama Lion’s nipples are cracked, bleeding and dragging on the ground behind her after nursing her baby for 7 weeks.

Afternoon lion delights don’t look so loving…

If lions could talk, I’d imagine the dialogue being something like…

Larry: “I SAID HOLD STILL! I AM the king of the jungle after all!”

Mama: “Ugh…Good God…smells like someone had some antelope ass for lunch. Get a Tic Tac or somethin’ butt breath.”

And then…

 

 

 

Mama: “What an ass…hopefully he thinks I’m sleeping now!”

 

The Benefits of a “Dumb” Dog

Everything is focused on “Smart” these days…smart cars, smart phones, smart tv, and in my house…smart asses.

My husband has longed to continue the smart trend with a “smart” dog – in this case, a well-trained, obedient German Shepherd.

Instead, he got three “boutique” dogs who eat their own crap.

Frankly, I don’t need a “smart” dog…why would I? It’s not like I’m asking it to do my taxes for God sake…I just wanna pet the damn thing. I don’t need some smart dog judging me either – going to grab the leash because he thinks that I “need” to go for a walk.

Nope…I’m happy with my non-shedding, poodle mixes. Check out this crack-squad of incredible canines…

This is Murphy.

I’ve “trained” her to clean up after herself! She goes out, takes a dump, turns around and well…cleans it up! Just don’t let her lick your face.

She smiles too, but depending on if it’s before or after yard clean up…it ain’t pretty. She also sometimes humps Heidi – usually in the middle of our family room during a party – even though they’re both female.

This is Heidi.

I’ve “trained” Heidi to perform “the fountain”…when someone comes to visit, she immediately rolls onto her back and pees. And it that weren’t amazing enough, I’ve taught her to dance. Her fave? The butt-scootin’ boogie (usually performed to dislodge a dingleberry.)

She also performs her “goose call” on walks. It’s a lovely, very loud honking sound often followed by a hack and vomit – all due to an unfortunate sinus condition – but it does the job in clearing the sidewalk for us.

And finally…there’s Izzy. Sure, she might be the size of a large rodent, but on the inside…she’s completely bad ass. However, she’s a bit of a nymphomaniac with a penchant for a stuffed cat. Now…she’s the star of her own “porn flick”…

 

 

 

 

Hilarious Underwater Dog Photos by Seth Casteel

While I was at the vet the other day (see “Mama Goes to the Vet” post) learning about some lady and her hamster with a kidney condition, I came across a magazine call The Bark. In it, photographer Seth Casteel’s photo’s of underwater shots of dogs as they fetch a ball caught my eye. They’re hilarious! Check them out (I added some “If dog’s could talk” commentary)…

 

“Ugh…I can’t wait to sink my teeth into this orange ball…if I could just stop crossing my eyes!”

 

 

 

 

“Dude…you need to floss!”

 

 

 

 

“Crap…could you shoot this from the other side…this angle makes my nose look big”

 

 

 

“Sh#t…I don’t know how to swim!”

 

 

 

 

“Boo!”

 

 

 

 

“Screw fetching the stupid ball…I just bit my freakin’ tongue!”

 

 

 

 

“Grrrrrr…ggggrrrr…come here you little mother f@ck#ing ball!”

 

 

 

“Bbbbbaaaahhhhhhhh hhhhaaaaaaa hhhhhhhaaaaaa!! I just crapped in the house!”

 

 

 

 

“Wwwwaaaaazzzzzzz Upppp????”

 

 

 

“You think this is amazing…you should see how they look when I stick my head out the car window going 50 mph!”

 

Mama Goes to the Vet…Can Obamacare apply to pets?

So, I’m at the vet waiting on medicine for one of my dogs (honesty, my two older dogs take more medication than my 90-year-old grandma) – can Obamacare be extended to pets?

Anyway, so I’m sitting across from this lady who was sniffling…clearly crying. The vet tech comes out and says, “Snickers is going to be fine. He has a kidney condition and you’ll just need to continue the medication and monitor him. Just give me a second and I’ll bring him out so you can go home.”

The woman, clearly releaved, said, “Oh…I just knew something was wrong. He was hardly opening his eyes and he seemed to be in so much pain. I will definitely keep a close watch on him…should I bring him in for a recheck?”

At which point the vet tech was back with Snickers…WHO WAS A HAMSTER!!!!!

A FREAKIN’ HAMSTER!!!!! With a kidney condition!!!!

What are they, like $10 a piece? Can you say cat food??? Get another damn hamster lady and call it a day!

Which brings me to the point of today’s blog…how much do we love our pets? I love my pets…but I do have my limits…

My “babies”

This is Murphy…my 11-year-old cockapoo with a perpetual gas problem. (We “adopted” her after my mom died…well actually, I think we agreed to watch her for a weekend when my dad went out of town and he just never took her back!) Anyway, Murphy’s farts notoriously clear a room and have come in quite handy when we need lingering guests to go the hell home…we just give her a few raw hide chew sticks a few hours before and then strategically place her under the coffee table when it’s time to call it a night then wait. Finally there’s a “ppppffffttttt…” and then viola…everyone goes home.

Murphy is unfortunately NOT the picture of health. She’s had a cancerous growth removed from her face, an enlarged heart, high liver enzymes, fatty tumors all over her body, Cushings disease and just recently…an ear hematoma that was surgically removed.

cha ching.

This is my other dog, Heidi…a 12-year-old Bichon, a.k.a “the great white ‘ho’!”

Heidi is a sweet dog with a penchant for rolling over on her back and peeing on herself when people go to pet her. She has a perpetual sinus condition that causes her to make a Felix Unger/goose honking noise whenever we go on a walk. Not surprisingly…she’s fat because no one except me wants to walk her and endure the embarrassment of all of the stares at the fat, honking dog who stops to crap or pee in every other yard.

Heidi is allergic to EVERYTHING…and when I say EVERYTHING…I truly mean everything and so requires special food and allergy shots. She has two ruptured discs in her neck and takes daily steriods and pain killers. If we choose to try to “fix” the disc problem…it’s $6,000 with no guarantees.

Double cha ching.

In a momentary lapse of reason, we got a third dog…Izzy – a 1-year-old maltipoo.

Izzy has a penchant for humping a stuffed cat twice her size and for chewing apart flip flops, makeup brushes and tampons.

Knock on wood…the only “problems” Izzy’s faced is the occasional dingleberry stuck in her fur.

Heidi is completely pissed about Izzy’s very existence. I’ve seen her (Heidi) lurking a little to close to the edge of the pool…likely contemplating suicide by drowning (she can’t swim as proven by the time to fell into the pool and proceeded to sink to the bottom.) Murph, on the other hand, seems to enjoy her.

We’re anticipating some tough decisions with the older two in months to come and in an economy like the one we find ourselves in and a daugther heading off to college, it makes it even more difficult.

How far will we be willing to go to keep them around? Chemotherapy? Back surgery? Hormone replacement?

After all, though we love them, they are dogs. I mean…at the end of the day, there is a pecking order and we do have priorities…kids in college, future weddings…

Lipo for Mama.

 

Stranger than fiction…weird crap in the news

 

 

I knew I always wanted to live in California…the mountains…the ocean…the cupcake ATM…

Wait…What?

Sprinkles Cupcakes in Beverly Hills – the brains behind the haute cupcake craze – has created the ultimate in fat-lover’s convenience: a cupcake ATM.

Here it is…

Just what our already obscenely obese country needs…at-your fingertips-fat-machines available around the clock. Apparently, there’s lines around the corner at Sprinkles for this machine…despite the fact that there’s no line in the store WHICH IS RIGHT NEXT TO IT! Maybe it’s just the novelty of it that is drawing people in droves. On to the sleepy town of Wagga Wagga, Australia…

Oh look at this picture – what a lovely, picturesque winter scene…

But wait…what’s wrong with this picture? There’s snow on the ground but none on the trees? And look at the background – there’s green grass. That’s because it’s not snow…

 

 

 

It’s MASSIVE SPIDER WEBS!!!! Wagga Wagga WTF? Apparently attempting to flee rising flood waters, the hairy little beasts blanketed the town in silk. Look…even Scruffy’s pissed…

"Damn...I was just trying to chase the cat and now I'm caught up in this crap."

Ever feel like you’re draggin’ ass? Well, some women in Florida really are! Perhaps part revenge part, caulk fetish…whatever the reason, Ft. Lauderdale resident Oneal Morris, a stripper and transgender “dude” decided to pose as a doctor and charge unsuspecting women $700 to inject them in the ass with a cocktail of mineral, cement, caulk and flat-tire sealant and sealing the wound with superglue.  Here’s a poor victim with a HUGE pain in her ass…

THAT is some serious junk in the trunk…

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

There are some things you hope to God never come back in style…like shoulder pads, parachute pants and the whole Madonna “Borderline” ensemble. KY basketball player Anthony Davis has started a new trend that is catching on: the unibrow. Who’da thunk it? (That’s his mamma in the mask)

 

 

 

 

 

“The brow” has even inspired t-shirts…

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

However, let’s give credit where credit is due…

 

 

 

 

 

 

And for women who just can’t embrace “the brow”…there’s

 

 

 

The uniboob