Awful and Extra Cheesy Pick Up Lines

cheeseballThis week on Modern Family…Phil and Claire were trying to have a romantic time at a bar:

Phil: “Did it hurt?”
Claire: “Did what hurt?”
Phil: “When you fell from heaven?”

Or how about Cam (I love him) to Mitchell:

“Do you believe in love at first sight or do I need to walk in again?”

From Phil or Cam, it was cute. If some guy tried that on me, I’d have to smack him!

How about some pick up lines guaranteed to keep you single for a LONG time…

Just plain cheesy

Do you have a library card? Because I’m checkin’ you out!
Are you a parking ticket? ‘Cuz you’ve got fine written all over you!
Can I have directions? (“Where?”) To your heart!
Are you feet tired? ‘Cuz you’ve been running through my mind all day!
Is there an airport nearyby or is that just my heart taking off?
I hope there’s a fireman around ‘cuz you’re smokin’!
You must be in the wrong place…the Miss Universe contest is over there!
Are you from Tennessee? ‘Cuz you’re the only ten I see!

Somewhat sexual but equally cheesy


Was your dad a baker? ‘Cuz you got the nicesst set of buns I’ve ever seen!
You turn my software into hardware
Hi…I have big feet!
Did you wash your clothes with Windex ‘cuz I see me in your pants!
The word of the day is legs…let’s go back to my house and spread the word!
Does this rag smell like chloroform to you?
What’s a nice girl like you doing in a dirty mind like mine?
I may not be Fred Flintstone, but I can still make your bed rock!

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Ode to Aging Boobs

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

When I was but a tweenage girl,
And showing cleavage wasn’t an issue,
I went to the mall,
And got “My First Bra”
And stuffed it full of tissues.

And then after months of stuffing,
The boobs were finally there,
My dad threw fits,
Cuz now I had tits,
And boys had begun to stare.

Perky, full and beautiful they were,
Standing at attention,
But little did I know,
The direction they’d go,
Of this, no one had mentioned.

After popping out a few babies,
And nursing them as well,
They began to deflate,
At a record rate,
And my nipples suddenly pointed to hell.

Now room temperature dollops of sour cream,
I went from a C to minus A cup,
And here’s the thing,
I need a belly button ring,
As a hitch to hold them up.

My husband doesn’t understand,
And he’s tired of my rants,
But I bet he’d feel bad,
If he suddenly had,
His balls hanging from beneath his pants.

Deltalina: Read her lips (how could you miss them?)

Gone are the days of the In-flight “Safety Dance”.

This is 2012 people…now (at least on Delta flights) we have “Deltalina” (as in Angelina…as in her Tomb Raider) role. Yes, the redheaded hottie of the new Delta video is an internet sensation! A ga-zillion hits on You Tube!

Perhaps it’s jealously on my part, that I am the antithesis of “Deltalina”…I am just “Delta” (formed when things go “down hill”…as in the skin on my face. I swear my eyebrows use to be an inch higher at at some point in my life, I really did have some semblance of cheekbones…and lips…and a jaw line…and more bags under my eyes than a luggage carousel.)

Of course, it could be a lack of sleep on the flight to Puerto Rico, due to the spanish speaking snorer seating directly behind me! Just when I’d start to noze, “Felipe Phelgm” would make a sound like he was syphoning a loogie from base of his brain and I’d be wide awake again! But I digress…

Anyway, I had my own “transcript” running through my head while the video was playing…

First off, her finger-wagging “no smoking” warning…

Deltalina: “Smoking…is not allowed on any Delta flight. But only because it could possibly ignite my over-hairsprayed helmet head.”

Deltalina: “Should smoke fill the cabin…I won’t know because my nose is now too small and like overhead luggage, may shift in flight.”

Deltalina: “A water evacuation is unlikely…most seat cushions can be used for floatation …as can my lips.”

Truthfully, after riding coach all of my life, I’m convinced it’s only the first class seats that can be used as flotation devices. We yeah hoos cramped back in coach won’t be able to squeeze out of our seats to evacuate in the first place!