Awful and Extra Cheesy Pick Up Lines

cheeseballThis week on Modern Family…Phil and Claire were trying to have a romantic time at a bar:

Phil: “Did it hurt?”
Claire: “Did what hurt?”
Phil: “When you fell from heaven?”

Or how about Cam (I love him) to Mitchell:

“Do you believe in love at first sight or do I need to walk in again?”

From Phil or Cam, it was cute. If some guy tried that on me, I’d have to smack him!

How about some pick up lines guaranteed to keep you single for a LONG time…

Just plain cheesy

Do you have a library card? Because I’m checkin’ you out!
Are you a parking ticket? ‘Cuz you’ve got fine written all over you!
Can I have directions? (“Where?”) To your heart!
Are you feet tired? ‘Cuz you’ve been running through my mind all day!
Is there an airport nearyby or is that just my heart taking off?
I hope there’s a fireman around ‘cuz you’re smokin’!
You must be in the wrong place…the Miss Universe contest is over there!
Are you from Tennessee? ‘Cuz you’re the only ten I see!

Somewhat sexual but equally cheesy


Was your dad a baker? ‘Cuz you got the nicesst set of buns I’ve ever seen!
You turn my software into hardware
Hi…I have big feet!
Did you wash your clothes with Windex ‘cuz I see me in your pants!
The word of the day is legs…let’s go back to my house and spread the word!
Does this rag smell like chloroform to you?
What’s a nice girl like you doing in a dirty mind like mine?
I may not be Fred Flintstone, but I can still make your bed rock!

Mama Dirty Dances, Kids Enter Therapy

ImageLast weekend was my kids’ high school Homecoming – my freshman daughter’s first. 

As she does every year, the principal sent out the “no grinding” email to parents, encouraging us to discourage our hormone-raging teens from doing the dirty dancing deed. For those of you who don’t have teenagers, grinding is apparently the dance style of choice for today’s teens and consists of simulating sex while trying to avoid being “flashlighted” by a chaperone. 

I’m a child of the 80’s. Even when we slow danced – which was always, ALWAYS, to Freebird – we weren’t body to body. Nope, the girl had her hands around the guy’s neck, his around her waist, and we stood apart (leaving enough room for the holy ghost between us…as my friend’s dad would say) and rocked back and forth and in a circle like we were wind up wooden soldiers on the verge of tipping over.

Being parents of teenagers, my husband and I take our role very seriously. We know and understand that it is our responsibility to embarrass our kids whenever possible. So we seized the sex-dance moment, right there in our kitchen.

Me to the kids: “So, I got the ‘no-grinding’ email from school today.”

Kids: no comment…just blank stares

My husband: “Grinding? What’s grinding? Like your teeth? Why would you grind your teeth at a dance?”

Kids: no comment…eye roll…audible sigh

Me: “No – grinding is how they dance now. It looks like they’re simulating…”

My son (a junior): “STOP! We don’t grind mom…ok? Just stop!”

Husband: “Well how do you dance then? Like this?”

We tuned into the 80s channel on the satellite radio. My husband got up and did the “white man” dance which involves only body parts from the waist up to “Billie Jean.”

Me: “Or how about this?”

I launch into “the shopping car”, “the sprinkler”, and “the Maniac” move from Flashdance.

Then, we tried our version of grinding. Facing each other (which I guess, right off the bat is wrong) I looked like I was trying to free a massive wedgie without my hands and my husband looked like he was a having a seizure or trying out an invisible hula hoop.

It was a magical, reminiscent moment (minus shoulder pads, parachute pants and leg warmers)…until he threw his back out and I strained my neck. 

It’s all fun and games til someone ends up bed with a heating pad.

 

 

The Best 80’s Movie Quotes of all Time (or at least…in my opinion)

I ask you…has there been a decade for cult classic movies quite like the 80’s?

Sure, we looked like neon-clad linebackers (thanks to shoulder pads) with bad hair…but damn…did we have some kick ass movies during that time. See if you can name the 80s classics movies from whichew these famous quotes originated…(answers below)

1. “Oh, he’s very popular Ed. The sportos, the motorheads, geeks, sluts, bloods, wastoids,   dweebies, dickheads – they all adore him. They think he’s a righteous dude.”

2. “Son, your ego’s writing checks your body can’t cash.”

3. “Hello! My name is Inigo Montoya. You killed my father. Prepare to die.”

4. “No more yanky my wanky. The Donger need food!”

5. “Does Barry Manilow know you raid his wardrobe?”

6. “Beuller? Beuller? Beuller?”

7. “Ray, if someone asks you if you are a god, you say “Yes!”

8. “Wax on, wax off.”

9. “Yippee-ki-yay, motherf***er!”

10. “Nobody puts Baby in a corner.”

11. “I feel the need…the need for speed.”

12. “They’re hhhhheeeerrrreeee.”

13. “Sometimes, you gotta say…’what the f#ck’!”

14. “Life moves pretty fast. You don’t stop and look around once in a while, you could miss it.”

15. “I’ll be back.” 

16. “I’m not gonna be ignored Dan!”

17. “Strange things are afoot at the Circle K.”

18. “If my calculations are correct, when this baby hits eighty-eight miles per hour… you’re gonna see some serious shit.” 

19. “Lighten up Francis”

20. “What is your major malfunction, numbnuts? Didn’t Mommy and Daddy show you enough attention when you were a child?”

21. “Yes, it’s true. This man has no dick.”

22. “Lunch is for wimps.” 

23. “I gave her my heart, she gave me a pen.”

Answers: (1) Ferris Beuller’s Day Off, (2) Top Gun, (3) The Princess Bride, (4) Sixteen Candles, (5) The Breakfast Club, (6) Ferris Beuller’s Day Off, (7) Ghostbusters, (8) The Karate Kid, (9) Die Hard, (10) Dirty Dancing, (11) Top Gun, (12) Poltergeist, (13) Risky Business, (14) Ferris Beuller’s Day Off, (15) Terminator, (16) Fatal Attraction, (17) Bill and Ted’s Excellent Adventure, (18) Back to the Future, (19) Stripes, (20) Full Metal Jacket, (21) Ghostbuster, (22) Wallstreet, (23) Say Anything