And the Most Googled Contender for the Role of Sex-Loving Christian Grey is…

So on Ryan Seacrest’s radio show yesterday, he mentioned the top 3 most Googled contenders for the coveted role of Christian Grey in the upcoming (but who knows when) 50 Shades of Grey movie which apparently will be rated NC-17. Starting at number 3…

Chris Hemsworth

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Okay…he’s a stud. We could see it. He needs darker hair though.

Number 2…

Ian Somerhalder (*sigh*)…my personal choice!

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He’s hot, he can be funny and snarky…he’d be perfect.

And finally (drum roll please)…the most Googled contender for the role of Christian Grey is…wait for it…

JUSTIN BIEBER! 

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Good God no. I would puke…it would make the mommy porn book series feel more like kiddie porn.

And who the hell would play Anastasia????

Honey Boo Boo???

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Mamma Goes to the Hustler Store

*STOP*

If you’re easily offended…this blog post is NOT for you (but frankly…it should be!)

So, my book club was having our own “50 Shades of Grey” party and, in the spirit of the book, decided to have a “naughty gift exchange”. Since most of us weren’t sex toy savvy, I decided it warranted a trip to the local sex store: Hustler.

Thank you Larry Flynt.

I am not ashamed. I am not embarrassed to have ventured where no missionary position-loving mamma has gone before. I went forth bravely into the world of SEX paraphernalia and emerged with a frequent buyer card.

Okay…maybe not the frequent buyer card.

Here’s a first hand account of the Hustler Store experience (along with some “helpful hints” for Larry)

First…They need an “incognito entrance” for those of us who, while not ashamed to be there, don’t want to advertise to the outlet mall crowd (which is right across the street) that we’re shopping there! It’s right off the outlet mall exit at Monroe and FACES THE ROAD!!!

So, I walked in and was relieved to discover that it wasn’t as “seedy” as I thought it would be. I was greeted by two perky younger girls who said, “Hi hon…what can we help you with today?”

Oh…the myriad ways I could have answered that question! But I left it with, “Oh…I’m just browsing”…so I looked like an even bigger weirdo. I’m guessing not many people drive all the way to the Hustler Store just to “browse”…if you’re there…you usually have a distinct purchase in mind!

Anyway…OMG!!! For a novice…one wouldn’t even know where to begin! Which leads me to my second recommendation for Larry…

A “Self-diddle” Dabbler section for those who want to “try” self-gratification but don’t want to commit the big bucks yet! And let me tell you…the “high quality” toys aint cheap. The ones that are?…You’d probably do just as well with your garden variety cucumber.

One thing I was especially curious to check out were “the balls” that Christian and Anastasia used in the book. You remember – when she had them in while they were at the gala at his parent house and she nearly had a “When Harry Met Sally” orgasm moment several times over??? I had to check it out for myself. Here they are…

In reality…they’re about the size of marbles. How in the hell is THAT going to give me pleasure? In theory…what goes up (as in the balls) must come down…right? But shoved up my “anatomical bridge to nowhere” that served as a birth canal three times over, they’d go up and be blown out my nose hours later.

So I asked the store lady: “How in the hell do you know that you’ll ever get these out?”

Store lady: “Well…frankly…that concerns me too so I recommend the balls that are attached to a little cord…kinda like a tampon, for easy ‘retrieval’.”  (Hhhmmm…I may have to live with loose Kegels and peeing when I laugh)…

So, fyou could get these…”Magic 8 Balls”

I don’t know about you, but my pelvic muscles already feel tighter. And the added benefit? Feeling a little doubtful about how he’s feeling about you? Shove these puppies in, ask a question, jump up and down and few times, pull them out and viola…you’ll have your answer!

They had rows of porn movies, fetish paraphernalia (whips, handcuffs, riding crops, gags…I could think of several non-sexual uses for these!) and entire wall dedicated to your ass. After hitting this section of the store, my butt cheeks were permanently clenched.

For example…”The Booty Rocker”…

Honestly, I could anchor my light up, outdoor Santa with this thing. Who buys this stuff????

I must be old…I have enough trouble keeping things coming OUT of that orifice!

And for your vibrating pleasure…you too can have a Soraya Black for a mere $200…

$200??? Is it turbo charged??? 200 horse power so when this puppy comes on you can “ride” it like Seabiscuit??!!! With vibration like that, my 44-year-old insides would be permanently rearranged with my ovaries in my armpits.

They even had a table dedicated to “50 Shades of Grey” and “toys” that were mentioned in the books themselves. In the end, for our “naughty gift exchange”, I bought handcuffs made out of candy (a la the candy necklaces of yore) and a “pocket” vibrator in the shape of a bunny…

Now that’s something every women wants stuffed in HER Easter basket!!

50 Shades of Grey…Creating 40-year-old “Femme Fatales” One Chapter at a Time

So, my book club is reading 50 Shades of Grey this month. Of course, I’m already on book 3 – 50 Shades Freed but that’s for another day.

Anyway, in order to get into the spirit of the book that has changed the way married couples have sex, I decided to incorporate a “Naughty Gift Exchange” into our usual over dinner discussion. Everyone was to go out and buy a…ahem…”toy” to wrap up and exchange at some point in the evening.

It went over like a french kiss at a family reunion.

Why??? I don’t get it. Everyone is jumping on the BDSM bandwagon, as evidenced by a recent USA Today article entitled “Many chain stores now add a Toy aisle for adults”…

CVS, Walgreens, Kroger, Safeway, Target and Walmart are among major national chains that now include vibrators on store shelves. These devices (also known as personal massagers or vibes) have been around a long time, but their availability on the mass market is relatively new. Condom makers Trojan and Durex are among brands that have expanded product lines to include vibrators, starting with small vibrating rings. Durex launched its first handheld vibrator in 2008, Trojan in 2010.

“We’re talking about the Walgreens and CVSes of the world — not the dot-coms and sex shops and things of that nature,” says Durex senior brand manager Alan Cheung of the U.S. headquarters in Parsippany, N.J.

So why isn’t anyone blushing?

With the erotic Fifty Shades trilogy still topping best-selling book lists and a movie (Hysteria) about the invention of the vibrator opening across the USA this week, the summer is starting out steamy. Sexperts cite a combination of factors, including marketing that targets average women. They also trace societal changes to 1998, when a Sex and the City episode broached the subject of vibrators. And in the early 2000s, Tupperware parties gave way to parties selling vibrators and sex toys.

“People are more comfortable than ever talking about vibrators and the idea of having one,” says Bruce Weiss, vice president of marketing for Trojan, based in Princeton, N.J.

Even the fact that vibrators are the focus of a feature film illustrates how times have changed. Hysteria is a period comedy set in 1880s London.

“Couples are less willing to tolerate lousy sex,” says sex therapist and clinical psychologist David Schnarch of Evergreen, Colo. “People have much higher expectations.”

I like to use the “Hotdog” analogy

Say that for 20+ years (the average length of time that most 40 something couples have been married) you ate nothing but a plain old hotdog on a bun…every night for dinner.

Even though you LOVE, LOVE, LOVE your hotdog…after 20+ years, it might start to get a little bland…but you eat it anyway because you still love it.

Then…one night…you introduce a little SPICEY MUSTARD…and viola! You’ve breathed new life into your beloved hotdog. It’s new…it’s fresh…it’s exciting! Then, you realize…your options are ENDLESS! You can add ketchup, relish…hell, even onion to your cherished hotdog and it just gets better and better.

Sometimes…you might even want to go back to the plain old hotdog because you’ve missed the simpicity of it. And that’s ok!

You just now know that you CAN teach an old “dog” new “tricks” (or in this case…”trick out” and old “dog”!)

50 Shades of Grey…the Later Years

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Alright…they – Anastasia and Christian – might be swingin’ naked from chandeliers now, but let’s check back in with them when they’re a middle-aged, “old” married couple…

The Sex Toys

Nipple clips Now that Ana has breastfed a few kids, she can tuck her boobs into her pants. So…she’s found a new use for Christian’s nipple clips…she uses them to pinch the saggy skin to lift her nipples up to where they should be!

Handcuffs Finding dad’s “stash” of handcuffs and blindfolds, Christan Jr…miffed that his little sister turned his Superhero lego tower into Barbie’s resort hotel…handcuffed her to the toilet and flushed the key.

Vibrator While playing dress ups in mom’s closet, little girl Grey came across mom’s vibrating “back massager” and took it to her next slumber party

Butt plugs The only butt plugs in the Grey household are “natural” ones resulting from a lack of fiber in their diet

Habits that Were Once Thought Cute and Sexy but are Now Annoying as Sh#t

Ana’s lower lip biting: 

Christian: “Are ya hungry? Because you’re chewing your f-ing lip like it’s frickin filet mignon!”

Christian wearing his sweatpants so they hang “just so” off his hips:

Ana: “For God sake Marky Mark…get some pants that frickin’ fit.”

Christian tilting his head to the side “just so”

Ana: “Hey Horatio Caine (CSI: Miami)…ya got a kink in your neck or something?”


Ian Somerhalder…the Big Screen’s Christian Grey? Who Should Play Anastasia?

OMG!!!

Could we be looking at the big screen’s version of Christian Grey???? I would pay HIM to be his submissive!!

With a dominant who looks like him, who wouldn’t misbehave just to get spanked!

Rumor has it (US Weekly to give credit where credit is due) that the Vampire Diaries hunk is said to be in contention for the coveted role of Christian Grey…the multi-billionaire stud in E.L. James’s hugely popular triology, “50 Shades of Grey.”

Dubbed “mommy porn”, the controversial book series follows college graduate (and lucky bitch!) Anastasia Steele as she meets and enters into a weird, twisted relationship with billionaire Grey…who is into the whole dominant-submissive thing.

Come on…I love me some Robert Pattinson, but would Ian have made an awesome Edward Cullen or what????

BTW…I am now on book three (“50 Shades Freed”) of the “Grey” series. I actually loved book two (“50 Shades Darker”) even better than book one!

My husband is annoyed, foreseeing a Twilight-like obsession brewing for the next few years!

If you’ve read the books (or at least the first one), who do you think would make a good Anastasia Steele? She describes herself as a “pale, brown-haired girl with blue eyes too big for her face”. Any of these ladies? I’m thinking Emma Stone or Amanda Seyfried. (From top left clockwise it’s Emmy Rossum, Missy Peregrym, Shailene Woodley, Rachel Bilson, Emma Stone and Amanda Seyfried.

Signs that You May Not Be Ready for BDSM Books like “50 Shades of Grey”

“Sticks and stones may break my bones, but chains and whips excite me!”

Yeah…maybe Rihanna’s into that crap but the only chains and whips I’m into are of the 16 inch white gold variety and chocolate/vanilla swirl in a cake cone.

I’m no shrinking violet – I can cuss like a sailor and talk smut with the best of ’em  (my husband says I’m just that…”all talk”) – but I’m thinking that this BDSM genre…as in ” Bondage-Dominance/Submission-Sadomasochism” might be a bit much, even for me. 

Apparently, the new “it” book for women and the “hopeful” men who love them, is erotic novel called “50 Shades of Grey”. (It’s also been called “Mommy porn”). I say “hopeful” because, men interviewed on Good Morning America about the book, were hopeful that their wives/girlfriends would get some ideas after reading the book. Supposedly, it’ll spice up your sex life! That or send you directly to divorce court!

I can’t wait to start reading it (which I will do today) but I have to say…my friend read it (who is as equally “open minded” as me) and said that there were parts that made her squirm a bit!

I’ll keep you posted and perhaps even quote directly from the book to get some feedback! In the meantime, here are some signs that perhaps this new genre is NOT for you:

  1. You’re adverse to being spanked because your unfirm butt would jiggle.
  2. Your idea of being in handcuffs involves him being handcuffed to the bed while you head to the mall for the day.
  3. Blindfolds AND handcuffs simultaneously? Even better! Then he won’t see you take his wallet when you head to the mall for the day!
  4. Your idea of a titillating “session” is watching your significant other vacuum…the WHOLE HOUSE!
  5. Your idea of talking dirty, is to say in a seductive voice: “I want you to mow my lawn and trim the bush” (but you’re talking literally…the grass is too f-ing long and the burning bush in the front yard is out of control)
  6. The only lubricating you want done is on the damn door that’s been squeaking for months.
  7. When he says “Honey, I bought a vibrator” you’re hoping it’s the seat cover thingy from Sharper Image that gives you a variety of vibrating back massages that you’ve been asking for for the past three Mother’s Days.