What Were They Thinking? Completely Inappropriate Halloween Costumes

So, while looking up different ideas for Halloween costumes, I came across these pics of kids in ubelievable costumes. I am no prude, but even I thought a few of them definitely muddied the waters between funny and disturbing. Enjoy…

This first one is my personal favorite…as if the costumes themselves aren’t bad enough, the little girl checking out her a dad’s costume “accessory” is just plain WRONG!

 

Advertisements

Vampire Diaries vs Twilight – Which Bloodsuckers Rule? (and a Sneak Peak at the Season 4 Premiere)

I am obsessed with all things undead and fanged.

Why?

I have no idea. All I DO know is that I’ve been anticipating the Oct. 11 premiere of Vampire Diaries like a choc-o-holic’s field trip the the Hershey factory. I’ve been anticipating this even more than the final chapter of the Twilight Saga: Breaking Dawn Part 2 which comes out on November 16…and yes…my friend Lela and I will be there for the first show with all the other Twi-moms.

But honestly…in my humble, housewife opinion…Vampire Diaries KICKS TWILIGHT’S ICE COLD ASS!

 

Maybe now that Bella is finally a vampire and so, isn’t so “fragile”, Edward will finally lose the pained, angst-filled, “I have to take a giant crap but I can’t” look and lighten up a bit. The Cullen’s have GOT to be sick of saving her (Bella’s) ass all the time and maybe, just maybe, we’ll see her actually smile…a real smile!

However, The Cullens are no match for the sexy Salvatore brothers – sure, Stefan is a bit of a brooder but not to the extent of Edward. And Damon…he’s hot, he’s funny, he’s a bit bad (but in a good way) – what’s not to love?

Elena vs. Bella: both a bit “helpless” and in constant need of being protected which is somewhat annoying (why can’t we throw a Katniss into the mix? Now THAT would be interesting) but I find Elena less annoying than Bella. Elena appears to have a life outside of her vampire loves – her friends and brother – but Bella wants NOTHING but the Cullens.

The other characters on Vampire Diaries add a lot to the show as well – Caroline, Bonnie, Jeremy, Tyler, Matt etc – that keeps it fun and keeps us engaged. I care about those characters as much as Elena, Stefan and Damon.

Sorry…I just don’t find the Cullens all that interesting. So Carlyle dies…what the hell did he add anyway.

ATTENTION: SPOILER ALERT!

So…for those like me who can’t wait for Thursday’s premiere, here’s a little bit of what to expect this season plus a sneak peek at the premiere episode:

* The way in which Elena remembers one of the memories Damon compelled her to forget is quite visually clever. If the intent was to catch viewers off-guard, well done!

* There is a lot of squabbling-sibling drama, and it’s not all relegated to Damon and Stefan.

* Bonnie’s a bit of a badass in the season opener. But it’ll cost her big time, in a way that’s pretty surprising.

* Let’s just say you don’t need sex to have a sexy (and somewhat disturbing) Damon-and-Elena scene.

* A tender moment between Stefan and Elena manages to thaw even Rebekah’s heart.

* Caroline and Tyler just can’t keep their clothes on.

* Elena’s failure to keep down animal blood provides for some truly gross scenes. It also makes her resort to something that doesn’t make Stefan very happy.

* Mystic Falls returning resident April (Grace Phipps) needs a hug for many reasons.

* Damon’s still saving a seat at the bar. Sniff.

 

 

Mama Dirty Dances, Kids Enter Therapy

ImageLast weekend was my kids’ high school Homecoming – my freshman daughter’s first. 

As she does every year, the principal sent out the “no grinding” email to parents, encouraging us to discourage our hormone-raging teens from doing the dirty dancing deed. For those of you who don’t have teenagers, grinding is apparently the dance style of choice for today’s teens and consists of simulating sex while trying to avoid being “flashlighted” by a chaperone. 

I’m a child of the 80’s. Even when we slow danced – which was always, ALWAYS, to Freebird – we weren’t body to body. Nope, the girl had her hands around the guy’s neck, his around her waist, and we stood apart (leaving enough room for the holy ghost between us…as my friend’s dad would say) and rocked back and forth and in a circle like we were wind up wooden soldiers on the verge of tipping over.

Being parents of teenagers, my husband and I take our role very seriously. We know and understand that it is our responsibility to embarrass our kids whenever possible. So we seized the sex-dance moment, right there in our kitchen.

Me to the kids: “So, I got the ‘no-grinding’ email from school today.”

Kids: no comment…just blank stares

My husband: “Grinding? What’s grinding? Like your teeth? Why would you grind your teeth at a dance?”

Kids: no comment…eye roll…audible sigh

Me: “No – grinding is how they dance now. It looks like they’re simulating…”

My son (a junior): “STOP! We don’t grind mom…ok? Just stop!”

Husband: “Well how do you dance then? Like this?”

We tuned into the 80s channel on the satellite radio. My husband got up and did the “white man” dance which involves only body parts from the waist up to “Billie Jean.”

Me: “Or how about this?”

I launch into “the shopping car”, “the sprinkler”, and “the Maniac” move from Flashdance.

Then, we tried our version of grinding. Facing each other (which I guess, right off the bat is wrong) I looked like I was trying to free a massive wedgie without my hands and my husband looked like he was a having a seizure or trying out an invisible hula hoop.

It was a magical, reminiscent moment (minus shoulder pads, parachute pants and leg warmers)…until he threw his back out and I strained my neck. 

It’s all fun and games til someone ends up bed with a heating pad.

 

 

The Best 80’s Movie Quotes of all Time (or at least…in my opinion)

I ask you…has there been a decade for cult classic movies quite like the 80’s?

Sure, we looked like neon-clad linebackers (thanks to shoulder pads) with bad hair…but damn…did we have some kick ass movies during that time. See if you can name the 80s classics movies from whichew these famous quotes originated…(answers below)

1. “Oh, he’s very popular Ed. The sportos, the motorheads, geeks, sluts, bloods, wastoids,   dweebies, dickheads – they all adore him. They think he’s a righteous dude.”

2. “Son, your ego’s writing checks your body can’t cash.”

3. “Hello! My name is Inigo Montoya. You killed my father. Prepare to die.”

4. “No more yanky my wanky. The Donger need food!”

5. “Does Barry Manilow know you raid his wardrobe?”

6. “Beuller? Beuller? Beuller?”

7. “Ray, if someone asks you if you are a god, you say “Yes!”

8. “Wax on, wax off.”

9. “Yippee-ki-yay, motherf***er!”

10. “Nobody puts Baby in a corner.”

11. “I feel the need…the need for speed.”

12. “They’re hhhhheeeerrrreeee.”

13. “Sometimes, you gotta say…’what the f#ck’!”

14. “Life moves pretty fast. You don’t stop and look around once in a while, you could miss it.”

15. “I’ll be back.” 

16. “I’m not gonna be ignored Dan!”

17. “Strange things are afoot at the Circle K.”

18. “If my calculations are correct, when this baby hits eighty-eight miles per hour… you’re gonna see some serious shit.” 

19. “Lighten up Francis”

20. “What is your major malfunction, numbnuts? Didn’t Mommy and Daddy show you enough attention when you were a child?”

21. “Yes, it’s true. This man has no dick.”

22. “Lunch is for wimps.” 

23. “I gave her my heart, she gave me a pen.”

Answers: (1) Ferris Beuller’s Day Off, (2) Top Gun, (3) The Princess Bride, (4) Sixteen Candles, (5) The Breakfast Club, (6) Ferris Beuller’s Day Off, (7) Ghostbusters, (8) The Karate Kid, (9) Die Hard, (10) Dirty Dancing, (11) Top Gun, (12) Poltergeist, (13) Risky Business, (14) Ferris Beuller’s Day Off, (15) Terminator, (16) Fatal Attraction, (17) Bill and Ted’s Excellent Adventure, (18) Back to the Future, (19) Stripes, (20) Full Metal Jacket, (21) Ghostbuster, (22) Wallstreet, (23) Say Anything

A Beautiful Moment Between a Lion and his Cub…and the “before” pictures you didn’t see!

It is touching if I do say so myself.

Wildlife photographer Suzi Eszterhas did a fabulous job of capturing the moment when “father and son” met for the first time…

 

 

 

 

 

Awww…and this playful moment…

 

 

 

 

 

Of course, we’ll call him “Larry” Lion…he’s been out schleppin around the hood, terrorizing gazelles, probably humpin’ other lionesses, while Mama Lion’s nipples are cracked, bleeding and dragging on the ground behind her after nursing her baby for 7 weeks.

Afternoon lion delights don’t look so loving…

If lions could talk, I’d imagine the dialogue being something like…

Larry: “I SAID HOLD STILL! I AM the king of the jungle after all!”

Mama: “Ugh…Good God…smells like someone had some antelope ass for lunch. Get a Tic Tac or somethin’ butt breath.”

And then…

 

 

 

Mama: “What an ass…hopefully he thinks I’m sleeping now!”

 

The Benefits of a “Dumb” Dog

Everything is focused on “Smart” these days…smart cars, smart phones, smart tv, and in my house…smart asses.

My husband has longed to continue the smart trend with a “smart” dog – in this case, a well-trained, obedient German Shepherd.

Instead, he got three “boutique” dogs who eat their own crap.

Frankly, I don’t need a “smart” dog…why would I? It’s not like I’m asking it to do my taxes for God sake…I just wanna pet the damn thing. I don’t need some smart dog judging me either – going to grab the leash because he thinks that I “need” to go for a walk.

Nope…I’m happy with my non-shedding, poodle mixes. Check out this crack-squad of incredible canines…

This is Murphy.

I’ve “trained” her to clean up after herself! She goes out, takes a dump, turns around and well…cleans it up! Just don’t let her lick your face.

She smiles too, but depending on if it’s before or after yard clean up…it ain’t pretty. She also sometimes humps Heidi – usually in the middle of our family room during a party – even though they’re both female.

This is Heidi.

I’ve “trained” Heidi to perform “the fountain”…when someone comes to visit, she immediately rolls onto her back and pees. And it that weren’t amazing enough, I’ve taught her to dance. Her fave? The butt-scootin’ boogie (usually performed to dislodge a dingleberry.)

She also performs her “goose call” on walks. It’s a lovely, very loud honking sound often followed by a hack and vomit – all due to an unfortunate sinus condition – but it does the job in clearing the sidewalk for us.

And finally…there’s Izzy. Sure, she might be the size of a large rodent, but on the inside…she’s completely bad ass. However, she’s a bit of a nymphomaniac with a penchant for a stuffed cat. Now…she’s the star of her own “porn flick”…

 

 

 

 

Eating Healthy is for the Birds (because I feel like I’m eating like one)

I want to live in a world where carbs are king, beer has metabolic enhancing qualities and Reeces is an official food group.

But until then…

My husband came home the other day to find our kitchen looking like the junk food section of the grocery store. The counters and table were covered with every delectable, sugary cereal known to man, Pop Tarts of every variety and “granola bars” that could rival the calorie and fat content of a Snickers any day of the week. Basically…it was like standing at the threshold of heaven.

“What the hell is going on in here?” my husband asked.

My three kids were standing amid the mess, devising a plan to export the “contraband” to the safety of their rooms.

“She’s been at it all day,” replied my son. “You should have seen what was in my cereal bowl this morning. I felt like I was eating the mulch.”

“It was a healthy bowl of high fiber cereal,” I yelled from the pantry. “You’ll grow to like it.”

“Oh geez,” moaned my husband. “Is this because of the weight you gained on vacation?”

There was a collective gasp in the room.

“Way to go dad,” said soon-to-be college bound daughter. “Now she’s really gonna go batshit crazy. Oh well…at least I’m out of here in a week.”

And then it hit him…his ritual of potato chips, recliner and Fox News in the evening might be in jeopardy.

“The potato chips?” he asked, hopeful.

“They’re gone,” said my youngest, shaking her head sadly, as if referring to the passengers on the Titanic.

“Here,” I said, as I threw a bag of rice cakes at him. “These are much healthier than those chips.”

“But I like to eat my chips,” he said. I gave him the stink eye until he took a bite.

“Ugh,” he said. “What a crock to call these rice ‘cakes’…there’s nothing cake-like about these. It’s like eating packing peanuts or the cardboard box they came in.”

He threw a bite down to the dog, who took a whiff and then turned her nose up to look at him, as if to say, “What the f*ck? Where’s my Snausage?”

I sat the four of them down at the kitchen table, with me at the head of it and I spoke to them of my quest to convert our junk and fast food loving family into vitamin taking, exercising, broccoli loving health nuts…

“While I trust that you will give this the good old fashioned college try…one of you will betray me…”

All eyes went to my husband, who was attempting to stash a few Chips Ahoy cookies into his suit pocket.

“What?” he said. “There’s starving people in China!”

“There’s starving people in this house,” said my son. “Can’t a dude get a simple bologna and cheese sandwich? I opened the fridge for a piece of cheese ended up with a mouthful of tofu!”

“What is tofu anyway?” asked my daugther. And before I could answer, my son had Googled it on his phone…

“Eeeewwwww…it’s made from curdled soy milk!” exclaimed my son.

“It is actually very good for you and you’ll see how good it can taste tonight when I make a tofu and veggie stir fry in the new wok I bought,” I said.

“Well it looks like spackle,” said my son, disgusted.

“That’s it,” said my husband pushing back from the table. “Who wants to go to Skyline?”

“Judas!” I yelled at my husband as he and my turncoat children made their way to the door. “Don’t blame me when your teeth rot and you can’t even fit into your fat pants anymore! At least my ass won’t need it’s own time zone!”

I heard the car back down the driveway as I sat alone at my kitchen table staring into the happy face of Cap ‘n Crunch. Then I went to the pantry and looked at the skinny bitch on the box of the “healthy” cereal.

Yep…the Captain looked much happier.

“Oh piss on it,” I said as I grabbed my cell phone and dialed my husband.

“Pick me up a couple cheese coneys.”

I felt better already.