About Christie

I am a 40 something, married mother of three and a freelance writer living in Mason, Ohio.

Awful and Extra Cheesy Pick Up Lines

cheeseballThis week on Modern Family…Phil and Claire were trying to have a romantic time at a bar:

Phil: “Did it hurt?”
Claire: “Did what hurt?”
Phil: “When you fell from heaven?”

Or how about Cam (I love him) to Mitchell:

“Do you believe in love at first sight or do I need to walk in again?”

From Phil or Cam, it was cute. If some guy tried that on me, I’d have to smack him!

How about some pick up lines guaranteed to keep you single for a LONG time…

Just plain cheesy

Do you have a library card? Because I’m checkin’ you out!
Are you a parking ticket? ‘Cuz you’ve got fine written all over you!
Can I have directions? (“Where?”) To your heart!
Are you feet tired? ‘Cuz you’ve been running through my mind all day!
Is there an airport nearyby or is that just my heart taking off?
I hope there’s a fireman around ‘cuz you’re smokin’!
You must be in the wrong place…the Miss Universe contest is over there!
Are you from Tennessee? ‘Cuz you’re the only ten I see!

Somewhat sexual but equally cheesy


Was your dad a baker? ‘Cuz you got the nicesst set of buns I’ve ever seen!
You turn my software into hardware
Hi…I have big feet!
Did you wash your clothes with Windex ‘cuz I see me in your pants!
The word of the day is legs…let’s go back to my house and spread the word!
Does this rag smell like chloroform to you?
What’s a nice girl like you doing in a dirty mind like mine?
I may not be Fred Flintstone, but I can still make your bed rock!

Advertisements

oscar-statueEvery year I say I’m going to do it and I never do. And no, I’m not talking about losing 10 pounds, alphabetizing my spice rack or Botoxing my underarms so I stop looking like my pits spit up at the most inopportune times.

No…I’m talking about seeing every movie up for a Best Picture Oscar…BEFORE the Oscars are awarded.

Just when I was getting close to accomplishing my goal, the Academy decided it would be a great idea to double the number of films up for best picture. Why???? Was it not more of an honor if you were one of the five nominated? Only one picture still wins…I don’t get it. But, it is what it is.

So, here are this year’s nominees:

Amour
Life of Pi
Argo
Lincoln
Silver Linings Playbook
Beasts of the Southern Wild
Les Miserables
Django Unchained
Zero Dark Thirty

Two that strike me as ones I won’t be thrilled to see: Amour and Beasts of the Southern Wild. I haven’t even seen them in theaters…not a good sign (at least my attention span). But I’m committed.

So, pathetically, I have only seen one to date: Les Miserables. Here is my Review…

lesmisLes Miserables

This was one of my absolute favorite Broadway productions. I LOVED it! So, the movie had a lot to live up to. First…let’s start with how in the hell to properly pronounce it so that you can look intelligent and in the know when you discuss the movie while drowing your sorrows in a drink (because that’s what you’ll feel like doing after seeing it.)

The correct pronunciation is: Lay Mee-say-hrabl
For the end part…pretend that you are about to clear a giant hocker from your throat and then immediately follow that with a rah-bl. Or just say Lay-Miz like the rest of us and be done with it.

So…in short…I LOVED it. Though I had a strange urge to take a shower and clean under my fingernails the whole time.
What was great about it: The songs of course. Anne Hathaway singing I Dreamed a Dream was of course, AMAZING. And the fact that she did that scene in one take is truly unbelievable. Also, the little girl how played young Cosette…I thought was a great singing “Castle on a Cloud”
What I hated: Anytime Russell Crowe opened his mouth to sing. Great in his role as Javert…AWFUL at singing. Maybe this is where seeing the stage production hurt the movie for me. The man who played Javert on stage had such a deep, bellowing voice. Russell Crowe, to me, just seemed dull and flat when he sang and found it somewhat distracting. When he sang his swan song…let’s just say I found myself thinking, “Oh for God sake, just jump already and put us all out of our misery.”
What I absolutely LOVED about it: Any scene that Sacha Baron Cohen was in. When I first heard he was in it , I thought, “What? Really? Borat is in Les Mis?” But let me tell you…he and Helena Bonham Carter steal the show. Cohen in particular is hysterical and a MUCH needed comic relief…without it, you may have found yourself making yourself choke on your bucket of popcorn.
What was a negative about it: It is LOOOOOONNNNNNGGGGGG. Even if you love, love, love the music. It is long. At times I found myself drifting off, thinking about the many ways to torture the butthead behind me kicking my seat. The singing of every line, though I know that is the point of this type of show, I found tedious sometimes.

But all in all, it was AWESOME and Oscar worthy. I give it a champagne flute salute!

In fact, I found myself singing my parental frustration to my kids (imagine this to the tune of “Call Me Maybe”): “You’re all spoiled brats, you make me crazy…you’re so grounded…and you’re lazy!”

Next up: Zero Dark Thirty

And the Most Googled Contender for the Role of Sex-Loving Christian Grey is…

So on Ryan Seacrest’s radio show yesterday, he mentioned the top 3 most Googled contenders for the coveted role of Christian Grey in the upcoming (but who knows when) 50 Shades of Grey movie which apparently will be rated NC-17. Starting at number 3…

Chris Hemsworth

Image

Okay…he’s a stud. We could see it. He needs darker hair though.

Number 2…

Ian Somerhalder (*sigh*)…my personal choice!

Image

He’s hot, he can be funny and snarky…he’d be perfect.

And finally (drum roll please)…the most Googled contender for the role of Christian Grey is…wait for it…

JUSTIN BIEBER! 

Image

Good God no. I would puke…it would make the mommy porn book series feel more like kiddie porn.

And who the hell would play Anastasia????

Honey Boo Boo???

Image

Unintentionally Inappropriate (or were they??) Test Answers by Kids

Kids…is there any question why they often drive us parents to drink (or what bad reality TV just to escape?) The teachers who were on the receiving end of these gems certainly got a good laugh! Enjoy these unintentionally inappropriate test answers from kids…

Source:

(I found this on Pinterest and had to repin it! Originally pinned from http://www.justdwl.net.)

New Year’s Resolutions can Suck It

homer_simpson_angels_and_demons-11209I’ve been on my annual downward spiral into “holy shit…I’ve gained 10 pounds” hell since Halloween that will continue until after Easter, at which point the “holy shit…I have to get into a swim suit” in two months will set in…at which time I will purge the pantry and refrigerator of all things glorious and tasty and replace them all things that taste like cardboard and packing peanuts.

It’s not that I don’t try, it’s just that I have the willpower of a kid in a candy shop. For example, in the beginning of January – when I am supposed to be “eating healthy” – the family decides they want to go to Red Robin (a.k.a. the place where fried is king and cholesterol has is driving the party bus right into your heart arteries). I see the Tower of Onion Rings on the menu. I pause and look to my right shoulder where the skinny-assed “Angel Me” is waving her boney-ass finger in my face and shaking her head saying “No, no Christie…a moment on the lips is a lifetime on the hips.”

And in that moment…as saliva is pooling in my mouth…I hate “Angel Me.” Frankly, I find her incredibly boring and majorly unfun, with a perpetual pole stuck up her ass (like her sister how sits atop my Christmas tree.)

Then I look to my left shoulder, and there looking phat (no…not “fat”) and happy is “Devil Me,” dancing Gangnam Style…laughing and having a grand old time. She looks at me and says, “Have the damn Tower of Onion Rings girlfriend…you only live once! Life’s too short. We all die someday and no one is going to give a shit if you have an extra ten pounds on while you’re laying stiff in the coffin. But what they WILL remember is that you were FUN! CAREFREE! And not a stick in the mud like Nancy No-Sin over there!”

Of course, all of this happens in a matter of seconds as I wait for the rest of my family to order. I take a quick assessment of the rest of the crowd at the restaurant and realize that my fellow fried food feasters all look incredibly happy! They’re smiling and laughing and trying to get their sulking, salad-eating, carb-starved table buddy to do the same!

And then it hit me…Jesus and his disciples broke bread at the last supper! Jesus ate carbs and asked that his devoted followers do the same! At the moment, my husband pulled me from my reverie and said…

“For the love of God, Christie…will you order already!”

To which I replied excitedly…

“Yes! Yes! Exactly! For it is for the love of God that I will prove my devotion and order the Tower of Onion Rings and bottomless basket of fries! And bring me a glass of wine too!”

Amen!

(Do you think Jesus had Tums?)

  •  

When “Show and Tell” Goes Horribly Wrong

So, I’m doing an article for the newspaper on an intermediate student winning a contest through Verizon Wireless. Her big prize? She gets to bring Cincinnati Bengal A.J.Green to school with her for the ultimate “Show and Tell!”

Pretty cool…huh?

So that got me thinking (being an elementary education major myself)…what embarrassing, crazy, will the make the parents want to change their names and move to an obscure town in the bowels of the Ozarks, stuff have kids brought in for “Show and Tell.” Here are some of the funniest ones (posted from real teachers!)…(Names have been excluded or changed to protect the identity of anyone involved!!)

  • Suzy brought in her mom’s personal “massager” and demonstrated on my back…to bad it was her mom’s VIBRATOR!
  • One time a student brought in a bed bug!
  • I had a kindergarten student bring his 3 year old brother to school; he wanted to show his brother the classroom; needless to say we had to call mom and wake her from sleeping!
  • I’ve heard of a student bringing grandma (in an urn)!
  • I had a Kindergarten student bring in Dad’s bong for show and tell…oops!
  • A little boy brought in a Franklin the turtle doll and then lifted his shirt to show how “it drinks milk from my nipples”. Yes, new baby in the home
  • Tampons. A student with Down’s Syndrome demonstrated how it could be a cigar, came in a spy glass, it had a little rope…
  • A kid brought me his Dads American Express card. He handed it to me and told me to buy myself a new dress.
  • I had a preschooler bring her cat in her backpack. Mom was not happy – luckily she discovered it before leaving. And for Special Day, one of my boys had his dad drive him to school in his backhoe. We all went outside to see it and watch the shovel go up and down!
  • A used pregancy test to show me the plus sign like we were learning in addition, a pan of brownies with the green stuff (marijuana) in them for snack (oops wrong ones was mom’s comment), and a “plastic cover for your finger” (condom) have all been brought into my room.
  • One student’s mom was an exotic dancer. He brought her tassels for show and tell.
  • Pink furry handcuffs from his parent’s bedroom…his mother was so embarrassed
  • One of my students brought in a huge slug, caged in an enclosure with a swingset, a slide, and monkeybars. Though it only visited for a short while, I get a chuckle when I think of that slug sliding down the slide…..
  • I had a first grader bring a dead bat in a ziploc container…then I found it again several months later when I “assisted” in desk cleaning!

Ode to Aging Boobs

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

When I was but a tweenage girl,
And showing cleavage wasn’t an issue,
I went to the mall,
And got “My First Bra”
And stuffed it full of tissues.

And then after months of stuffing,
The boobs were finally there,
My dad threw fits,
Cuz now I had tits,
And boys had begun to stare.

Perky, full and beautiful they were,
Standing at attention,
But little did I know,
The direction they’d go,
Of this, no one had mentioned.

After popping out a few babies,
And nursing them as well,
They began to deflate,
At a record rate,
And my nipples suddenly pointed to hell.

Now room temperature dollops of sour cream,
I went from a C to minus A cup,
And here’s the thing,
I need a belly button ring,
As a hitch to hold them up.

My husband doesn’t understand,
And he’s tired of my rants,
But I bet he’d feel bad,
If he suddenly had,
His balls hanging from beneath his pants.